I think i'm lucky... i got to chill with ashley and karalee and what not... that was it.. i'm done... i'm happy... i'm sleepy... and what not... i'm sleeping.... gone... gone.. gone...

Well, i had some cool time today... woke up around 10ish called karalee and we went to get my brakes fixed and all that jazz... well, we chilled and jazz and that was prolly the best part... just chillin.. kickin back... stuff junk blah and all that.. it was awesome.. .: Thought :. Most men see things as they are and say why? I see things as they never were and say why not...

A human being in perfection ought always to preserve a calm and peacful mind, and never allow passion or a transitory desire to disturb his tranquility.

Heh... one word... boring... it kinda describes the past couple days.... being bored brings out one subject to everyone that has hung out with me in the past couple days....Prom... Its all over the freakin place now... respectively i would like someone to suck out all the air out of my lungs.. preferably by one of those delightful contraptions used by those evil dentists... and have me hooked up to a respirator that filters out love and prom crap...Bitter? I am not... i don't think Besides that, i've done absolutely nothing because i'm a freakin loser..... well i did buy a pair of pants today.. thats a plus, and a dress shirt yesterday... and a pretty cool necklace today also... but that was it... well i was pondering putting a lovesac into my car in place of my passenger seat... but i dont think that'll work too well with safety issues and all that jazz... oh yea, besides that, i had scott up my wazzoo on whats goin on for my prom and why dont i freakin ask this girl already and what not... that's buggin also.... heh, he says i'm slackin, i say shut up..... I decided that i have to get a life or more friends, or more something.... more todd... more old times.... more of F all this shiznit thats going on right now... I'm not going to be over actively hyper anymore, i'm going to get myself back on this planet and take whatever that comes to me with a grain of salt. I'm not going to talk black or in total slang anymore... I'm just going to be boring me... it'll work.... .: Thought :. I think these pants are comfy... i hate thinking..... i think that this sucks.... i hated saying that.... i hate that i thought of saying that.. i said that because i really do hate it..... and it sucks... All alone....

Today was pretty cool... i woke up to two of my favorite, and hottest people, ashley and karalee... they had to pick up some cd player adapters and what not... and not to mention they brought over the luv-it that i left at their house. they were on the way to cali to pick up thier sis i guess.. wasn't quite sure.. well, i had some luv-it then kinda passed out on my floor... i woke back up around like 4-ish when i just decided to hop on my comp and talk to people.. that was quite boring... wait.. let me rephrase that.... that was boring.... i played some red alert 2 with my 2 bros on the internet.. that was always enjoyable.. i love beating the drooling snot outta people in games.... then picked up lawerence.. went to ino to say hi.. then went to go get some jones and some junk food and nerds rope...(regular and easter.... we found regular and was like.. ahhh only 3 left.. then i remembered that last night when ashley, karalee, kimball and i went to walmart, they had easter ones) so we loaded up.. we headed back to my house where just just chilled, played Brave fencer musashi for playstation and just had a fun night... .: Thought :. That was fun.... and neat....

Last night was alright once again, started off pretty crappy, but then got better... dayem, Ashley and Karalee are so much more fun to hang out with than jolynn, missy, jamie and a hell of a lotta other people (that i dont even know)... it was nice hangin out with them, haven't really got a chance to spend time with them.. oh yea, kimball was there too.. that was fun.... its fun being retarded.... and tired.... and goofy all at the same time... anyway thats it for this, i'm tired of typing already.... .: Thought :. That was neat.

Well, i guess tonight was alright, wasn't spectacular or anything, and it wasn't anything not worth mentioning. Dont know where really to start... hmm i failed an english quarter... failed a pretty big math test.... passed the other english class and the rest of my classes... i'm not too worried about school though.... once again, i didn't feel like being at work.. it was another one of those, i don't really care-blah get me the hell outta here-i don't want to be here right now- type days.. oh well more money to me. After i left work i felt massively better and got a bunch of junk done.... took pam home, got my check cashed, went across the street then deposited my cash in to my accounts... went to checkers, bought some paint and miscellaneous items, painted my drum brakes (i think i got the wrong color, but to hell with it)... started driving, went to 150, chilled there for a bit, then Sj called, then scott, then kimball, then misty, then jamie glaus, all around the same time, i kinda wish that i was closer to those people, but not really... i think i've established my distances between everyone so i dont get depressed or whatever... well, then scott came down to ino, got gas, went to great harvest bread company to visit whoever was working (Jamie) and to get free bread, then headed to 165 where we sat there for about 1 hour and 45 mins doing just about nothing but listening to music and kimball with some other people talking about sabotaging school and having me do a beer run and what not. i got bored and started calling people... that was almost pointless considering that 10 minutes afterwards, we were still there... i called bobbo while i was there... he had his glorious day today.... now where to start with him... he went out with megan to luv-it... found out once they got there that megan gave up desserts for lent, then bought karalee some peach custard... drove back to ino to meet me, give me the custard to give to karalee (odd eh? not really), then took megan home to drop off her car... then they went to a park just to chill and junk... dont know exactly what they talked about, but i guess it was a good convo of some sort... he dropped her off, then came back to 165 where he met scott and i... but first he went inside to go get something to eat.. he brought exactly 2.65 for a dub... he ended up with two 3x3's and like 2 dubs along with his other dub for the price of one freakin dub, he shared the wealth.... good stuff.... then we booked to the bowling ally... first game i got a pretty nice score... freakin was on a roll like a little nerd that tumbled down a hill and crashed into a million dollars. Bob had a decent score... 2nd game he started chaning things around, he started off really well... on the second frame, he took a while, then got a strike, he told me that right before that, he said to himself... if i get a strike then i'm gonna get some on prom night..... kinda like those bets to yourself ya know..... turns out that i was kinda doing the same thing on the first game... who cares about what i was bettin about, its got no relevance... he had his high score of 176 (179? i duno, its up there tho) he was freakin excited... he had an awesome night. I also called ashley, just to see what was up and what to do with these cd's i gots for her... i didn't exactly ask her even though thats why i called... scott said it was an excuse, i said so what... and shove it. found out that she got into an accident... really sucks.... i hate hearing that from someone... she sounded kinda shaken up or something, didn't exaclty sound like she normally does on the phone, not like i would know too much, but it was different none the less, it made me feel pretty bad.... i just feel sorry for anyone that has to go through anything related to an accident, just cuz it causes so much stress and what not up the wazoo... now thats like.. 2 cars from that family... i'm glad that she's ok and jazz. Talked to sj... the usual was goin on, its around 10ish, and she's ready to go to bed in her jps... she told me that she talked to russell, and just about told me how much she misses me and loves me...(i hear it all too often... i feel kinda bad cuz i dont say it back, but why should i really.... i often respond to heh, you're really cool or something along that cheesy line) its really gettin to my head, perty annoyin actually... but she's doin alright Movin to somethin else.... I wish that i still had my corolla... i'm still working on serving others -one of the main reasons that i forgot when i got my car. Now that i have a 2 seater car, i find it kind of inconveniecing for me to do so... I guess i have to do it just one at a time... .: Thought :. Ugh, i feel like i'm gonna cry some times, then thers the other times where i want to flush my head in the toilet.... then theres the occasional let me bash my forehead into the stove type feeling.... its quite sensational... then sometimes, certain people make me forget all that (and make me want to run head first into a brick wall in a shopping cart..... not really).

Nights have been goin pretty well. I've been a little bit more care free than normal, but o well.. not too many things have been goin on lately, well not to omuch really worth getting into detail with... just scott kimball and i hang out.. thats it... it was fun, doin guy talk makin fun of stuff and what not... it was enjoyable. Thats just about it, but not all of it, so anyway, im outtie!! .: Thought :. People are amazing... amazingly stupid... stupidly funny.. then there are exceptions... those who're just amazing. period.

Well, things have been alright lately... thats all... i dropped junk and now i'm cool.. i'm hip... i'm radical dude.... junk like that check out one of the bombest places... ¤:Homestar Runner.com:¤

Lyrics of a song that i'm totally attached to now...... like it lots.... Artist : All-American Rejects Song : Swing, Swing ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Days swiftly come and go. I'm dreaming of her She's seeing other guys Emotions they stir The sun is gone. The nights are long And I am left while the tears fall. Did you think that I would cry, on the phone? Do you know what it feels like, being alone? I'll find someone new Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of my heart Its crushed by a former love Can you help me find a way To carry on again. Wish cast into the sky I'm moving on Sweet beginnings do arise She knows I was wrong The notes are old, They bend, they fold and so do I to a new love. Did you think that I would cry, on the phone? Do you know what it feels like, being alone? I'll find someone new Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of my heart Its crushed by a former love Can you help me find a way To carry on again. Bury me (you thought your problems were gone) Carry me (away. away, away...) Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of my heart Its crushed by a former love Can you help me find a way To carry on again. Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of my heart Its crushed by a former love Can you help me find a way To carry on again. Swing, Swing, Swing from the tangles of my heart Its crushed by a former love Can you help me find a way...

¤~Quote~¤ "Mason Cooley once said “Conformity makes everything easier, if you can still breathe.” (Columbia) One important aspect of a person’s life is to conform to the society, communities, and private groups as much as possible.

You Are You are strong when you take your grief and teach it to smile. You are brave when you overcome your fear and help others to do the same. You are happy when you see a flower and give it your blessing. You are loving when your own pain does not blind you to the pain of others. You are wise when you know the limits of your wisdom. You are true when you admit there are times you fool yourself. You are alive when tomorrow's hope means more to you than yesterday's mistake. You are growing when you know what you are but not what you will become. You are free when you are in control of yourself and do not wish to control others. You are honorable when you find your honor is to honor others. You are generous when you can take as sweetly as you can give. You are humble when you do not know how humble you are. You are thoughtful when you see me just as I am and treat me just as you are. You are merciful when you forgive in others the faults you condemn in yourself. You are beautiful when you don't need a mirror to tell you. You are rich when you never need more than what you have. You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

Now that i've thought a little more, i won't be around for a while...

So my view on everything has been skewed. As kimball says... most of everything that we get mad about in our circle of friends because of confusion; not understanding something. Totally true. I know that i'm totally whacked out right now, and have been for the past couple weeks, i'm not the only one that has been noticing that, i've found 3. More or less, i've been either acting like a jerk or an irrational loser with little problems that he likes to blow up to epic proportions. Ashley was kind enough say something, she said lots, if i actually slept, i'd probably remember more of what she said. . What i do remember is that most of it is true. and i love how she said that it might piss me off... ha. I have a problem of trying to actually replace someone in my own mind. I know Karalee isn't trying to replace todd, thats just my own problem, i'd like to fill the huge canyon in the (very) small group that we have left, mostly, i have 2 people left thats really in my life, sure, i know its small, but i didn't realize how those 2 people are greater than 98 people put together. I know that karalee is more than caring, she is the most caring, benevolent and devoted person i know. If i could express all my feelings in this about her, this entry would be more than all my dumb crap journal. . I know i have wonderful, amazing people in my life, sometimes things get in they way so much that i haven't been able to notice what i have. I know that i haven't been grateful for all i have and what i've had around me, i should think of it more... argh, i really wish i remembered more of what she said... heh. even though i dont hear from her too often, i actually care about her input... too bad i don't hang out with her.. but o well, just another one of my problems once again.. not so much a problem but whatever... i know that people read this, i want to let whoever reads this know that this is never all thats in my mind, most of it may hurt or whatever, but most of whenever i type this crap, i never think about what i type, i just type.. after i type it all out, i think about it.... I have problems... i need a break from life, mostly from my flooded mind... i'm going to kick back and think about the way to be. .: Thought :. I'm going to leave myself behind. Last entry ever on this page of slander until i further find myself and what i want to see in things..

Spent some quality time with kimball, we both got some things off our minds... it was some good stuff.... we both totally miss the old days... heh, we both were disappointed in a couple things tonight, but we're over it, we know that there's more to come. He cooked some dinner and whatnot, and we just sat in front of the tv watching stupid movies and funny shows and what not... we talked.. it was good for us.. I'm out. .: Thought :. I hate being frustrated.

Sometimes, now more than ever, i don't feel important, i don't feel that i'm in someone's life as a friend... i feel more like a hysterical act to amuse someone, or just to make others feel better... sure i don't have too much of a problem with being like that, but certainly, i just dont feel like i'm really close to anyone... just some people think that i'm really close to them..... now that i think of it... i never really feel close to them... My friends are all spreading out and just not around... I really want Todd back... Sure Karalee is there, she's pretty awesome, just sometimes i feel like she so small around her... like todd said a long time ago, she's always busy... She's definatly a good friend when she's around, but its been harder to get a hold of her, even to get her to call back... she shows traits of the great comforter... I wish todd was around, i could count on him more.. It was more of a mutual thing with todd and i... it was one of those things where it was like i just got off work and i'd naturally call him... same thing with him, most of the time he always called me after work so we could hang out and call kimball and jacob and what not... hes one of my white bros, could always count on him to pull through... although i try to replace him, i doubt that there will be one that will do as good as a job as he did... for all i know, i think karalee tries (which i'm grateful for), but shes got so much going on that it doesn't even matter anymore. so i have nothing to really do after work and junk... now its just like..... great, i'm off work... do i bother even trying to get a hold of karalee?? oh wait, i dont even need to try, someone already tells me that she's chillin with some other people.... i don't know why they tell me but they do... then its just like, should i interupt her to see if i can get myself in there or should i just see if she wants me to come chill... either way, most of the time i end up sittin my mass down at home or drivin mindlessly... i sometimes feel bad about how much effort i put out just to try to hang out with her... i put her up in my priorities which i probably shouldn't do anymore, it kinda hurts, and i put other people aside.. heh, today i felt bad and good at the same time... she went paintballin with bob and a bunch of other people i guess... sure, i could've had a free game and junk, but i decided to chill with kimball since he had no money and i didn't feel like going anyway... Then its harder to get a hold of kimball... half the time i dont even know what he does... he says that he doesn't even know what he does... so i'm like, geeez, lets just chill... theres no one else to chill with, they're all to cool for us (we've started to hang out more.. we just decided that today).. he's always been around for me also, lately i haven't been searching to hang out with him, i've been trying too hard to get a hold of karalee and stuff. Jacob i can't even talk to.. he's off on his own level with other people leaving people like kimball and i left in the dust... I hardly see lindsay anymore, although i did say hi about 10 mins ago, she likes havin me around, but theres never any time that we can chill.... Jolynn and missy? heh, those are 2 names not even worth mentioning... Scott moved.... i kinda wish he was back, he was around all the time... me callin him, him callin me... i felt like we were pretty close for the short period of time that i hung out with him... anyway i'm vented .: Thought :. Time to go chill with kimball....

So work was alright.. i didn't feel like talking to people too much... some more than others but didnt talk much none the less... I killed one of my cats. Not on purpose. I kicked him because he was in my way... i was kinda pissed off at that time. I guess he was eating something, it seemed like he choked.. i didn't know what to do.. Now its only Lyra and i to tackle the world. Just me and her, she's is my most reliable friend in my life right now.. heh, a cat, my most reliable friend, what does that say... i guess i dont understand myself, or why i think, or what i think about, and what the meaning is.. its bothersome and i can't just go and tell anyone just because of the fear of humiliating myself. I'm sick of humiliating myself, i'm sick of being "Mykii" or whoever people think that is.. I'm sick of "not being myself" especially when i am myself 24/7. I'm just sick of everything.. If life dealt me just a box with some bread crumbs in it, i'd be content. I wouldn't have people saying whatever to me, whether it be good like you're awesome, or bad like you're not being yourself. Although they care enough to ask or comment, i dont believe that they care enough to empathize and understand. Why am i awesome? Why am i not being myself? Am i the one to come up with the answers to these questions? It seems like the questioners obvoiusly know the answers more than i do. Time seems to pass by slower, like usual, when you're not doing anything.. Half of my time now a days, instead of hanging out with karalee or kimball, is spent at home sitting on my bed watching tv, or hearing the endless ring of the telephone as i try to contact somone, or waiting for a response to a message after the endless ringing. The other half is probably driving around with things in my mind...What is the point of driving? to find the point where you lose your mind and therefore solving the problem of having a mind to have things in. Sometimes i wish that i had some angel with me all the time just so i can spill my guts out and have her clean it up. I know i probably wont have one, or even ever have one, but it would be nice. One of my teachers, my math teacher, said that i seemed depressed..again... I didn't really argue, i just said, yea probably... He wasn't really shocked at my answer... he just kinda looked at me and just said... work through it... "Work through it".. easier said than done obviously.... .: Thought :. Hugs dont heal everything, sometimes they make it worse. I hear that Time heals everything. Doesn't time make it worse also? Working through the problem seems logical, except the fact that there is no logic behind working through something you don't know. And even if you knew what you had to work through... where would you start? Maybe this is something i should be asking God.

I didn't go to paintball.... i decided that i didn't really want to go in the first place. I'd probably be in more of a "who cares" mood than i already am in.. earlier, i was in just a "blah" mood... went out and did some stuff... came home and was in more of a "blah" mood... went out again, got some food, didn't hear from anybody although i called a couple people and was more in a "screw that person" mood... then i just stopped doing stuff and started to think like i'd normally do when i'm bored out of my mind and somewhat lonely and have nothing to do and no one to talk to- which would probably make the somewhat lonely part more lonely than i stated... Who cares what i thought.. but anyway.... i drove down to the Garbers to say hi to everyone there.... I took the kids out to in-n-out for some food then stayed at their house till their bed-time... we wrestled a lot.... Savannah made me feel kinda good, she said that i was the first one to actually come visit out of all the people that said that they would visit after Shauna left. It kinda made me kinda sad for them. She even named some of the other people that said that they would... the names she said kind of startled me... i would think that they'd really be the first ones to come and play with them.... that visit made my night, plus, it was fun and cost less than paintball and was worth more to me. Notice how right now is 1:12..... I couldn't sleep, i tried, but couldn't.. too much crap on my mind... mostly people but thats it.... i just got back from getting some Jones out at the only place i know where to get them... i also stopped by in-n-out to give nick some gatorade.... then came home... i'm wondering right now if could actually go to sleep and not be bothered by things that are really stupid.... i doubt it, but i might as well try... .:Things bought:. in-n-out- 8.96 jones- .99 wallet- 21.49 total- $31.44 I found some extra money in one of my pant pockets... i currently have.... 8 dollars..... .: Thought :. Why bother with the people that pretend they like hanging out with you..Its just a waste of time and emotions.. Its better to find new friends that pretend that they dont like hanging out with you.. even though sometimes thats a waste of time and emotions..

Well i haven't done too much in the past couple days.. infact, i've done nothing... its not like its bad or anything.. i'm not spending any money which is good.. i have to save as much as i can before now and who knows when... i'm actually kinda scared for the future which isn't a good thing at all... I think i might go to paintball tonight, but then again, i dont have enough money to actually spend on things that i can't afford... i'm already dying right now as my bank account is frozen till the 13th... mom gave me 50 bucks to hold me off till then.. i spent 20 bucks on gas and food already. and i'm trying to save the left overs for as long as i can.. but then if i go paintballing, it'd all be gone...... kinda sucks.... i already told everyone that i would go and whatnot... pretty gay.. .: Thought :. It'll hurt when it hits...