Compy 386!! Gosh, strongbad is freakin AWESOME

Support Bacteria -- It's the only culture some people have

I can't exactly figure out how i feel.. i can probably explain it more in terms of drinks... i'm probably a mixture of V8- cloudy, veggie tasting, Sprite- clear, root beer- kinda bubbly, milk that has been sitting out for a minimum of 17 hours in a house full of man eating turtles, Dr. Skipper- kinda fake and not as good tasting as Dr. Pepper, cough syrup- kinda hazy and sleepy, toilet water- being pissed on, that drink that everyone says is good but really sucks- kinda sucky i guess, and that drink that costs a million dollars- i feel like a million bucks dang it... .: Thought :. Living for the moment doesn't work for me. I have fun until my fun goes away. Then i find another moment where i have some fun and inevitably, it goes away; either at the end of the night, or at the end of a month.

Last night was pretty tight... went to the drive in and junk. ashley, karalee, kimball, scott and i went in two trucks.. we piled the love sac in ashley's truck and my futon and mattress and speakers and junk in scotts... well right now i'm just kinda dizzy so i'm going to stop

Today, not too many things happened... got my tire fixed, returned karalees key, went with scott to get some things done, and that was just about it, the rest, just hung out... i took a walk tonight, i haven't taken one for a long time. i officially got the boot tonight.. watchin tv.. my dad walks in talkin about why i'm watching tv at 12:00 in the morning, with the light on- he wanting to save electricity... he was kinda pissed and said why do you have the light on... i was just mad that he came over to tell me that my light was on- as if i didn't know or something... i answered so i can see... he asked, why do you have such a bright one on.. i answered because its the only light i have... he said afterwards, you can't continue to live like this.. i said live like what? he said keeping your computer on, and electronics on.. he said i need to be responsible... i told him, i am responsible, i'm responsible enough to keep myself alive without having a dad. he asked me what are my plans after graduation.. i said why the hell do you want to know all of a sudden... not like you cared any time before... he said that he is obligated to take care of me during highschool and that i'm 18 and an adult and wanted to know my plans.... i said, take care of me? i bought everything in this room, i think i'm damn responsible for myself being 18 and living with a shitty dad that does nothing for me but shuts my crap off and pays the electricity and water bills with the child support money that he freakin gets every month. believe me, i have a plan, a plan well better off than what you had set up for me.. then i told him that all my junk will be out of here, the house will be clean and all this living hell can be all his once i get my car fixed... he said when is that going to be.. i told him i dont know, but if you ever helped me out with my car or anything besides your shit, i would've been out of here a hell of a long time ago... he just walked away slowly to his room and shut/locked the door quietly. so i'm out when my car is done... the whole time i never made any eye contact. i knew that i would just explode in a rage of words or not be able to talk at all... after he went to his room, i started crying, i dont understand myself, i want to beat the living hell out of a wall, and i want to cry myself a river to drown in... and now i'm here... tears streaming down my face with hands barely typing but shaking extremely with anger... another walk would be good about now...stars are out, and talking wouldn't be productive... .: Thought :. I could never marry myself or even be my own best friend, my problems are cumbersome and my emotions fluctuate like a hummingbirds wings... i guess i can be a girl and a total bitch... no wonder i live for other's sympathy... i can't scale the small good things in my life to the thousand other miscellaneous things in my life that effect me- thoughts that don't count or matter, over analyzing, family, religion, friends, cars, material items, money, school, books, hair, pain, sports, colors, races, letters, chapstick, speakers, wheels, work, checks, banks, life, love or lack there of, girls, jealousy, time, clothes, garbage, pillows, heat, fans, lights, people, things i can't accomplish, neglection, exageration, music, stupid drivers, people who don't know what their effect on others are, people who play with peoples emotions, people who dont keep their word, weeds, bushes that dont ever stop growing, fingernails that i can't leave alone, obsession with peoples eyes, need for attention, attitude, performing an action for the sole purpose of praise, swearing, breaking promises, addiction, the realization of something that is wrong and the unwillingness to change, corruption in mind, human flaws, perfection, bone fractures, brain damage, potential, separation, sacrifice, effort, falseness, stubborness, concrete thoughts, loneliness and the inevitable thought of always being lonely, rejection, hunger, desire, car door locks, being paranoid, not understanding/comprehending, not being able to empathize, forgivness, letting go.... Live your life for the sympathy of others, and your life will be depressing. Live your life for the praise of others, and you will always be fallacious. Live your life for amelioration of yourself, and your life will be progressing always for the better. I will be who I am and that will be the best I can be; student, teacher, giver, reciever, friend and lover Random thoughts will always cross my mind, i'll never get rid of them, they make who i am, and will always be truthful to myself

well, i dont know what to really do... school is really out and i feel out of place already... i dont really know what to spend my time doing.... i know i have the ablility to do something... but i dont know what to do.. today, i lied a couple times... don't really know why but i did.... 1. i never got close to locking karalee's keys in the car - i knew that she probably never would have made a spare key 2. i told heather that i didnt have a key to karalees car when she asked - i thought it would be awkward if someone knew that i had a key to her car 3. i said i was fine- several occasions - no pain - i'm not fine - i'm not sleepy 4. i wanted to bowl and a couple more i think... so its all small lies... i still wonder what would be the effect if i didn't lie about those at all.. something like that.. i dont know... my eyes hurt and i don't understand why i even think about lying to someone.. not like whoever i lied to would've been angry or anything... i don't understand myself sometimes... well, i dont know what i'm going to do for a while... no work, no school, no motorcar, not a single luxury.... like any other asian, as bored as can be.. today, i went to work, got my check, cashed it, copy the key, went back to work, worked, went home, played a little diablo, talked on the phone a little, played some guitar, went with scott to try to repair my tire, but they were closed, bought some krispy kreme, came home, ate some donuts, went to taco bell, went to 165 to meet heather, went to karalee's place for dinner, did some miscellaneous junk, went bowling, came home.... blah... all the while, i just didn't feel right... i'm out .: Thought :. Only some people can understand the words that aren't spoken at all.

Schools over... now begins chapter 2... how are things going to work out?

Today was pretty cool... it had its moments, but what can i say, 1 more day of school left!! today's finals were kinda crazy... it was life or death, and i think my path led me to death...my fault none the less and i'll take the draw.... but i think theres a possibility that i might just make it.... um... work sucked.... after that, i had my 30 mins of talk with ian about mostly my choices and how its going to affect my future... then i had my comfort time with karalee, who by the end of the night, totally made me forget why she picked me up today, shes just that good i guess... watched bruce almighty... it was a good movie... there were parts that i just thought were dang hilarious and junk and others didn't... or maybe i'm just wierd like that, i dont know, dont care too much either.. let them stare at me, big whoop... then chilled at ashley's and waited for kimball then went to target and went back to ashleys to make some grub... i guess alls well... .: Thought :. They (you know who you are) aren't like most girls... most girls don't hang out with me...

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us. - Some quote from a diary at that bookstore at the mall.