Ugh, i'm sick of it, i'm staying up all night thinking to myself a whole different array of things.. its really different looking in from the outside... its amazing how you're no one to a close friend, and someone to an aquintance or just a social bud... i never even thought about how close this person was... and yet, how far this person was at the same time... and even how far another person was, but yet so close... i really should stop typing, its all making circles and repeating itself... nothing will ever be the same... i no longer want it to be... i've accepted the change and well, don't need to dwell on it any longer... I've talked to some people... and the impact of what they said was a lot diferent.. it was like somethin clicked and alerted me... Once again reality hit me... chances are.. i won't be seeing half of these people that i know in 10 years... although it'd be nice.. and i haven't seen half of these people that i know for 7 years... yea its fun hangin out... makin drama n junk, but i guess i shouldn't invest all my energy into this anymore... I talked to my best-equally-athletic-friend from the 4th grade.... he was my twin, but white, kinda like wilson... but instead it was soccer instead of v-ball... well wow, i actually chatted with him for a while, caught up on things n junk... i haven't seen this guy since the 6th grade... now he's in college and everything and is going well for him.... all my other friends are all taking off to other sides of the country... and well, more friends are all leavin the state... I guess nows the time, if there was a specified time, to go out and find people... indiana has some really nice people... ohio has some nice people as well... nevada also has nice people... maybe change is iminent... i've heard it before... i probably wont even live by these people when i grow up... and its the truth.. i guess it hurts a little, prolly hurt me more if it hurt other people, but i dont know jack about that right now.. I can only assume that things are going well in vegas... lol, my imformant lawrence is good about keepin in touch... and odd enough, its like 5 over here and i just finished talking to brittany... things are doing well without me... thats good... whatever man... just me blastin my brain off the heazy for sheeezy computer screeeny.... ¤[Thought]¤ Hit or Miss....

oh wow, look what picture i ran into on my really old website... thats funny.. HI KARALEE!!! More like.. "hi camera in my face" haha, what a hottie anyway... Looky at my new style!! don't it look nice?? I added a Chatterbox on the right side 4 comments, hi's, bye's, whats up's.... cool eh? next thing to update? my Xanga!!!! well maybe in the near future.... I'm a rockin and a rollin 2night!!

3 words.... i hurt... bad So i've been lazy for the past couple days... what's wrong with that? Nothing right? good, thanks for agreeing.. anyway, i've been sittin around being sore and not wanting to move for the past couple days... mostly since we've got done moving... last night was my reason for being so sore.. i actually got to play some v-ball last night.. and well wow... i'm sore... i was actually in the game, all intense and junk.... well... i was rockin the hizouse hardcore style like a pimp handlin a whore, it was royally awesome... my bro and i played 2v3 players.. and well it was great... i hate bragging... so done with that.... man i'm freakin awesome like that.... BAM... aint nothin like that rec center crap in vegas... I'm definately homesick... it blows... today was spent sleeping... i freakin slept till 3:30pm and when i woke up, i played Soul Calibur 2 for xbox the whole day till my bro came back... and even then we were playing for the next couple hours... but afterwards we watched an episode of band of brothers.... Yay, i paid my cell phone bill... that was exciting... next thing to tackle.... structure/express credit card bill...... that'll prolly be taken care of in the next couple days.... well, maybe i'm not soo homesick... well i miss certain things such as 2 lane roads and people that know how to drive.. oh wait, they don't know how to drive either... well maybe just the 2 lane roads... and karalee, brandon, chelsa, lyra, squires', thomas', lawrence, tega and a bunch more people that i'm too lazy to type... and moutnains i guess... OH YEA IT RAINS!!! IT REALLY EXISTS!!!! "And as the days go by..." Over here, its August 30th... man how time is flying... for the good and the awesome..... back in vegas its still the 29th tho... holy crap man... in 2 days, ashley is taking off... i really can't believe it... as much as i don't want her to go, i do want her to go.. i feel that she'll be quite happy down there and i know that she'll be taken care of.... and well, if she doesn't like it, i guess she can come back =P... man oh man.. i haven't seen her for like... a long while... or longer than a while.... I wonder how Ashley's parents will handle her absence... man alive.. and i can only imagine whats going on in karalee's head about ashley... then of course i kinda figure what kimball's thinkin... and well, i don't know about everyone else.. bill's prolly gonna be some sorts of "dude, i can't believe she's leaving, dude... dude dude dude... oh yea dude, she's really dude leaving dude.. awesome, i love her dude. dude!". haha... dang, i wonder how he's holdin up... no wait, no i don't.... It seems like i might be staying in indiana for another week... andy and his v-ball setter want me to play again next week.. i guess they're impressed... they want me to play club and stuff and wonder why i dont play for college... (they want me to move down here to play ball in other words =P).... the next v-ball night is on tuesday and i think that's a little too close for me right now, seeing that i'm extremely sore and immobile.. I don't really mind staying out here i guess... its more entertaining i think (ps2, xbox, internet... dog and cat, car everynow and then)... and well, i'm that much closer to vegas... it really makes a diffrence.. i can smell the smoke... I'm starting to use AIM for my phone... hopefully instant messagin on the phone is as good as people make it out to be... hopefully then i wont miss those messages from people i care about.... it'll be cool i think... if i actually get some service... There are some dang attractive girls, or should i say.. wo men.. out here... it may be an influence to move out here (eh...) and wow, they're not always at the mall!! its really.... different... they're not whores and are really nice... i'm not sayin that vegas has got all whores and mean girls.... well, maybe.. haha i'm kiddin!! anyway, i really gotta go.. .: Thought :. I gotta dump.... ^^

Success Success is doing the best you can, in as many ways as you can. It is being just and honest and true- not in a few things, but in everything you do. Always look ahead and never loko back, believe you can make all your dreams come true. Always believe in the best you can be and have faith in the things that you do. Forget about mistakes you've made yester, the lessons you learn will prove valuable for today... Never give up and think that you're through... for there's always tomorrow and a chance to begin brand new. It is in dreaming the greatest dreams... and seeking the highest goals... that we build the brightest tomorrows. There is no limit to the goals you can attain, or the success you can achieve... your possibilities are endless as your dreams. Whatever it is that you seek in life, whatever your dreams and whatever you hope to achieve, whatever you try to reach- whatever you plan... can all be yours- if you only believe You can! -Larry S. Chengges

.: Quote :. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Weeeee.... kickin it is fun... Well.... some crazy junk has happened with my bro i guess... its weird cuz i never see this side of any of my brothers or family... well i guess he broke up with his 2 year girlfriend.... its pretty crappy... well on the way from ohio to here in indy, the conversation started... he was spacing out early that morning after a phonecall... for all i knew, it was a girl who he called 'sis' and said happy birthday... things seemed alright, except he wasn't hungry and well, it was lunch time.... ian was taking him to lunch of some sort... well anyway, he told me that its hard... its hard breaking up after knowing that person for ever and ever.... like they spent so much time... he invested 2 years of his life in this relationship... i could only imagine how it feels.... well he was all sorts of ready to buy a ring - he knew which one she wanted- and well, he's bought a house.... it seems like today he's taking it pretty hard... he's at work right now, and he's been checkin up on me, and well i guess work has been really slow and he's been able to think a little too much about what is goin on.... i feel bad for him.. it must hurt bad...... i guess thats one of the reasons why i never really wanted a girlfriend..... .: Thought :. Relationships are the most rewarding, most fun and most painful event that people have to go through (besides all the violence and junk...)

Wow.. its 1:59 out here, and its andy's birthday!! I feel kinda crappy cuz i didn't get anything for him.... la la la, it was fun today, once again... i guess i'm not dissappointed with the amount of fun i had with them both, and a lot was expected.. today was mostly spent with andy and I going to the mall and checkin out what they gots to offer... well i can say that their prices on a whole lotta stuff is way cheaper than vegas... and wow, there are so many hot girls out here (i feel kinda odd sayin that around my brothers, they give me weird faces and make fun of me.. also andy might not be on too good of a relationship with his girlfriend right now, well i dont know if i can call her his girlfriend anymore) and wow there are a million ohio state fans... wow, lots of girls and not surprisingly, they're all stuck in the mall shoppin for clothes and what not... actually, lots of them with their boyfriends or -brothers- i guess.... structure out here is pretty big, lots of discounts and well... big? yea, they have a really nice selection of junk for a price that isn't way off the scale... jeans for like 20 bucks and jazz.. i was like SCORE!! but dont have any money so i couldn't do jack crap about it... andy and i didnt buy anything at the mall except for a pair of headphones for me, he said that he would buy them for me cuz i helped him find the same pair (consumer reports best buy).... then we went home, got ian and headed off to dave and busters!! boy that was a freakin blast!! havin both of my bros goin all out on video games and ski ball and well... more video games and such... we got 1389 tickets today... mostly from a half busted real size basketball freethrow game (kinda like hot shots but bigger and for big people), it let us play forever and let us gain so many tickets, we had many variations of it, and wow, it wore out our arms (about 10 rounds each).... that was royally awesome.... You know those stupid dumb light games where you gotta stop the light between the two little poles (bars whatever)? yea, well we had a contest on multiple machines.... the first machine we kinda gave up on... the second machine, also gave up on.... mind you we're goin for the jackpot and each of us tried multiple times... then the third machine, it was andy's turn and he just nails it right on the spot on the first try... that gained us another 480 somethin tickets.... that was the shiz... then we came home! I talked to lawrence today for hmm.. lemme recall.. 1 hour and 11 minutes today... i guess he was at work and was bored so he called me up! nice of him... i guess i was in the talkin mood and kept talkin and bein dumb and makin dumb stupid fun funny comments that we could both work off of to gain more laughs.... and well, it lasted for a long time i found out... it was entertaining... my brothers probably didn't mind because they were playing NCAA Football on ps2 upstairs.... i got to say a couple words to karalee, and said hi to steve and nick i guess, i think lawrence told them... haha what a panzy, he wouldn't go up to the stand and say MIKEY SAYS HI... i'm thinkin bein a panzy lowers your sperm count.... Oooo... i'm goin to indianapolis tomorrow!! kinda spontaneous but yea i'm goin!!! i'm traveling with andy back home to well.... i guess mainly play some volleyball!! i'm excited... although i dont have my SHOES dang it.... the shoes make all the difference =P... anyway, hopefully i can put some skill into me and be able to live up to the liu legacy... besides volleyball, i'm gonna help andy move into his new house.. i'm quite excited about that.... his house is supposedly really nice and has a big back yard.... Karalee, exchangin those few words made me miss you a little more... i haven't heard from you for a bit... better enjoy it while you can.... i guess you've been busy with life out there... hope things are still good.. knowin you, you're prolly throwin in some fun in there... anyway, yea.... oh blah... i'm sleepy.... .: Thought :. Problems are something I can do something about... if I can't, it's not a problem but an inconvenience... CHEESE!!!!

Well, i'm chillin on the floor typin away to no end... well an end is apparent, just thats after all the haze goes away from the fog that hasn't cleared that came from all the water in the streets from the floods in vegas.... yea.. somethin like that... my bros right now are playin some football on ps2.. im not really into that game... i'll play all the others except the football one.. hmm.. well i actually got to play some tennis today, it was great, i think the ball is attracted to the frame of my racket... at least for the first 10 minutes... a good thing is that my serves were awesome... a lot better than i thought they would be... i guess volleyball really does help when you're servin like that.... um, after that, we picked up some pizza that we ordered before we went to go play tennis... lets see... then we ate it, watched football and well... i helped make pies while my bros watched the rest of the games... then i started playin chess on yahoo cuz i was bored and then now i'm here... except for the fact that i moved the laptop from a comfortable couch downstairs to the hard carpet floor with a plastic mat on it.. the ps2 is upstairs in the office.. a pretty nice one.. its got a tv, computer, wireless router.. all the other junk you need for an office.. pens, cups, filing cabinets, the word office on the door... a window with not much of a view, except for the backyard... and of course can't forget the post-it notes.. all over the place..... blah dee dee... its so great hanging out with my brothers, it seems like old times, except for the fact that they have a harder time picking on me and pinning me down while trying to tickle me... ian found that out first hand.. he had his nipples twisted for the longest time :)... along with old times comes the little period where there's nothin to do or say and its kinda like... what now... its a little different now, we can't be as rambunctious and loud as we normally are... ya know, the baby's sleeping.... I got a phone call from lawrence today regarding my check... hes tryin to deposit it for me... thanks bro... he's the only one that i've really heard from in the past couple days from vegas, except for sandra.. she popped on earlier.... i haven't heard from karalee, i sent her an e-mail but not sure if she actually got it... it was sent under a different name but the same address odd enough.... i also called my insurance today regarding my accident and the freakin 3200 dollars im supposed to pay.... hopefully i'll have that straightened out by tomorrow mornin... really i am really really hoping, i dont think i can afford 3200.... especially right now... i'm still getting a lot of pressure to move out here to ohio... the college is great and everything, school spirit is way up and education is superb out here... i guess their engeneering department is really good (hopefully i can major in that)... oh yea, i called my mom to get some of the insurance information and she gave me some more pressure to move out here... well that wasn't really pressure, i guess she thinks its a good idea...... well i can think about it i guess, i got some time......blah.... well i guess thats it for today..... actually right now i'm tryin to find a song.. its a really aweosome song that i have, but i dont think the name of it is right... i'm not sure if the artist is even right, but i want to know and and really havin a hard time figurin it out.... on kazaa its Jim Brickman - Mood Music... and if i remember right, karalee said that its a song that she used to fall asleep to.. coincedently, i fell asleep to it for the 2 previous days before she told me...... soo anyway, i'm tryin to figure it out and i'm not havin any luck... maybe yall can help me.... .: Thought :. wow, there are a lot of piano songs out there....

Well, i've been bored lately.. actually not really, thats a lie i guess.. my bro just got into town like an hour ago and he's sleepy... and well, so is my other bro.. so they're both asleep on the couch... Andy brought down his dog Denver, who's a little on the crazy side, but she's cute... she's a golden retriever.... I'm waiting for them to wake up so we can go and play a little bit of tennis.... i actually haven't played any tennis yet, my bro kinda flaked out on me... its kinda often that he flakes out, but o well.... ya, i've been entertaining myself, readin still, i'm just about done with the summons... go me.... not too much has been goin on with me lately.. just sittin around... doin junk... kinda relaxing, but not really.. see, i'm a little too bored to be relaxing... unless i actually tell myself to relax and enjoy not doing anything, then i sit there and think about all the things that i'm not doing and i get annoyed... tad bit crazy....... bored.... i'm afreakin bored, bored like a piece of tree, cut down and sized up then cut some more so that it has 4 parallel sides and 4 more perpendicular paralel sides, approximently 2 in. thick..... check this out... (its madgab-ish.... say it aloud, you'll get it, take it in segments, well syllables i guess) Karalee: I'm issues home hutch.... hike air rub ouch hue...... eye bend ream enough few (well, not too much =P)...wheel yum air ream he? (just jokin) Some others... Win nigh thin cove few, eye needle ax eight if. Muff heater gold Dawn bees hose hilly Pea club who icy hue Ditch cheews haze hum thin? hit snow under Foyer owns ache, dawn dude rugs Dump hick yern hose Urine owe wit hall... Well that should keep yall busy for a bit.... haha, anyway, that took what seemed like a long time to write, but in reality, only like 2 mins.... haha, i guess if you need help, e-mail me..... but chances are, i won't help ya too much... WOOT WOOT, i finally got APS black and white film!! i'm kinda excited, i dont exactly know what i'm gonna be usin it for, but woot woot anyway.. i'll prolly take some scenery shots and junk... i like those... especially in black and white :).. ugh.. my bros are still sleeping... i'm really itchin to play tennis or volleyball... and for some odd, annoying, retarded reason, i really want to do some somersaults..... yea, well this is it... go me.... .: Thought :. God grant me the serenity to accept the things i can't change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference...

One of the best things that i enjoyed when i was younger... stick figures beatin the crap outta other stick figures... with blood and weapons and sound effects of course... nothing is better than sittin back, grabbin a cup of OJ and watchin the show..... fun stuff.. i love it The usual, not much goin on.... i played lots of chess today... freakin won 5 but lost 7.... it was crappy but i learned from my mistakes... i lost 7 in a row....uh, what else........ was thinkin about karalee, bob called, talked to sj online... andy is comin down on friday.... my md player's batteries are low... i gotta get my checks deposited somehow, oh wait, i think lawrence is takin care of that now... mmm.... i'm kinda tired, my hair still falls out.... i'm outta wheat thins.... and i miss home..... well, can't exactly say home, um the place... i'm gettin kinda bored... well really bored... this royally sucks...... .: Thought :. I want a cup of love with a side of fun

well things are a tad bit better now that my brother has to work and junk... this day was actually quite enjoyable... i woke up pretty late around 1:30 and well, took a shower, then grabbed my book, md player, and an ibc root beer and sat my happy butt down and read for ever.... this book i'm readin is pretty good... The summons by John Grisham.... i've read other grisham books so i decided to get this... actually it was an urge in atlanta at the airport that suddenly made me want to read.... i couldn't exactly pinpoint why or what influenced me to buy a book and start reading it, but its pretty cool... pretty relaxing and well.. it takes my mind off of things for a little bit... well anyway, i read till i was hungry and well... my bro came home, popped in 2 pizzas on the stone and we ate... shortly after we went to dave and busters where we blew 20 bucks each on games... well we blew 10 bucks each on time crisis 3... fun game :) and the rest on ski ball and basketball..... skiball was awesome, it was more of a competition... and this little asian won :).... then i gave all my winnings to some family who well... looked like they'd be happy with a little more tickets (well, it wasn't a little).... then basketball came... we had enough to play like... 3 rounds... so with that said.. 3 rounds were played... me loosing this one... but racking a bunch of tickets.... oh yea i forgot... we also passed by a 10 foot basketball game deal... 2 baskets and it just screamed competition... so we played... mind you that we have cramps from playing all the basketball (we stole all the balls from the other machines so it was just non stop shooting)... and well i sucked pretty bad... most of my balls didn't even reach the basket itself... well i got my butt kicked... a whooping 6 to 10 points... i then settled back at home where i continued to read and kick back..... i played a bunch of online chess with some losers and some good guys and that took me all the way to where i was... which was talking to phil, ortega, lawrence and jen online....... and now i'm here again... here here here..... its funny... i look back and i read some of the things i write and i say either one of the following... "Wow i can't believe i can think of things like that ", "wow that was stupid." , "What was i thinking?!", " That was royally stupid", "My armpit smells funny", "My life is sure lame to read"....."Hmm, karalees in that one, and that one, and that one", "... and that one".... .: Thought :. Well, i'm up and about.. and its like 2:38 and blah.... i'm thinkin, well, i can't tell you what i'm thinkin.... Well, i guess i realized a pretty big part of my life.... and well, yea... whatever....

last night i had some confrontation, well it started as that... it was actually more of my brother venting about everything from my parents to me and to the church... it all sorts of jacked up.. it seemed like he knew what he was talking about, but i dont believe that he did... it was more of a rambling jumble that was just telling stories about our parents and somehow having it relate all together to his role and what he feels like he has to do as the eldest of us sons... The knowing history is quite interesting... it lets you appreciate what was done for you... it makes you more humble and grateful for how far you've got and how far they got you.... my parents didn't have the best time raising me up.. infact, it was really crappy... so much hardship, pain, coldness, and this is besides all that happened with me... i can actually understand now that i'm older, why my parents divorce happened, why it wasn't my fault and why i can be alright with it... ever since we were young, well even before i was born... my parents were always discriminated against... my brother said that one time we went to go eat dinner at a resturant.... freakin the 80's and still discriminated against after all that other junk in history.... but anyway, we we went and got seated... i guess we waited patiently but never got our orders taken... finally my dad asked if we could get some service, the waiter replyed, something along the lines of you think you're so good that we have to serve you chinese, while you take our jobs and junk (this was the asian domination time era i guess).... another time was when my mom was at the grocery store in illinois (when we first moved in)... she was in the line with food and everything and my brother went through a different line and was already done and waiting.... well in a nutshell, my mom got denied service and nicely asked for a manager and once again was denied service because our ethnicity.... another example... we went to disney land... fun place in the world.... my dad wanted to make us happy i guess, and we went to go take pictures with mickey and goofy and donald.... well we only got to take pictures with mickey.... my bro asked me, do you know why we only have pictures with mickey? i said no.... he replyed, because donald and goofy didnt want to because we were asian...... my dad had a nice job at iowa state as a professor and everything, he had it going for him... well i dont know how long it was the shiznit for, but finally the year was over (one of the years...) and the head of the department had a big party for all the professors... i don't know how the party was.. but anyway... the party ended and people were all leaving... the head of the department guy and wife were doing the courtious thing and standing at the door and saying farewell and what not... my family was one of the last families to leave and the director guy pulled my dad aside and said, you fucking chinese ruining our jobs, i want you to get your stuff and leave iowa state.... (at this time, ian was the only one of us who could comprehend what he was saying)... from what i was told, my dad walked out and tried holding his head high and walking down the street (we lived a block or 2 away)... it was pretty crappy... the next thing i know is that we all moved to chicago, and here, more and more things happen and happen all without me knowing... first off, my dad isn't one to show affection through gifts, i never knew that... my dad never bought my mom jewlery, instead he spend lots of money on us kids- birthday tennis rackets, video games, etc... during this time money was a crunch... my mom had a decent job after switching around and having some problems.... and my dad had one going.... but things just weren't going right... my dad got layed off from work and coudlnt' find another job... my mom was working long days and everything to make money so that my dad could have some time to find anotehr job... eventually the situation became like this.... i'd come home from school, no one would be home.. my mom would be working until 10.. my dad would also be working until 10ish... every day just to support us... my brother knew more about their budget back then... he knew that money wasn't going well... everything was strung tightly... i never knew how much trouble it was to be able to fit in the games that we all wanted in the budget they had.. they were workin the hell out of themselves and not saying a single thing to us about it.. they just got what we wanted... they worked all the time, and finally my dad got layed off again.... my mom was workin her butt of and junk... she wanted better things.. luxury things... rings, nice cars, junk like that.. things to be proud of.... and well, we couldn't really have it..... well due to work schedules and taking care of us... my parents never got to see each other... there wansn't really love involved.. just work to support the kids type deal (well on my dads side)......freakin, my dad had a choice.... there was a job in florida for him... and well, he took it.... the night before he was leaving he told us... well andy and i just kinda shrugged it off.. we didn't believe him.... and well ian kinda was like what? then we played monopoly as a family.. and i guess tahts when ian realized that he really was leaving.... well the next day came around and he got all his stuff ready.... he told us again and we were like, hey can you bring back some chips or somethin... somethin stupid... and then he took off.... and well.... that was the history i guess..... working to the present...well my parents weren't ever really spending time with each other.. and my dad wasn't one to show much emotion or affection to anyone and my mom started growing apart... it was kinda inevitable i guess, not seeing each other every day because of work, then finally one takes off across the country.... yea well i guess i can see that crap.... and well they got a divorce.... i guess i just feel really really shiety because of the fact that i never was grateful for what i had... through all those hard times that they covered up with a blanket of love, i wasn't able to notice anything..... now my mom is happy, she found someone that gives her the attention that she needs, while my dad still stays at home, and talks to women online... i don't know, i can't exactly express my feelings about anything correctly right now... it was weird, and i can understand why.... i guess it all started off with my e-mail address... almostwhite@hotmail.com... if you didn't know the background behind the almostwhite ness... you'd think that i'm.. well... almost white ethnically.. like i wanted to be white or some deal... so my mom was kinda offended but didnt say anything about it except to ian... and well ian's good friend yong (who's reallly cool, he's asian) was all like, what the freak is wrong with your bro man, almost white? knock some sense into that kid.... well i told my bro about the band that i had, and he was much comforted.... well today freakin i had a nice really nice (sarcastic) conversation about my church and beliefs again... well i kinda made it into a 1 way conversation.. i didn't really want to talk about it.. i was like, hey if you want to talk about what you don't like about the church and your arguements about certain things and what not, i can set an appointment up for you and what not.... well whatever man, my bro's pretty persistant and a really good speaker and normally gets everything that he can talk about.. he can sell like no other... but anyway... he pulls up some crap on the internet.. he just seaches mormon and mormon vs christian and other junk... i didnt want to look at it, i didn't read it.. i was like... is this why you brought me over here for? to just bag on my beliefs and my life and such... well.... he said mostly... yes.. i was like, well thanks for an honest answer.. now i'll kinda be prepared for it anytime and not when we're havin some fun.... well i don't recall too much more at this moment, but i know it lasted forever..... it was crappy............ on the good side, i saw todd this morning... it was soo cool, i couldn't believe that i was actually chillin out with todd.. it was soooo cool..... i couldn't believe taht i was actually hanging out with todd.... it was soooooooo cool... i think i sound repeatitive... well we talked.. took pictures, had some fun, just catchin up... he's all like.. dang i leave vegas and it all falls apart.. i'm like.. yup, true that... what the fease dood... well i got some pictures and i'm excited... i also took some pictures of todd's wallet and nametag, in which karalee is on and in... well i'm in the wallet too along with ashley karalee and himself..... but yea, that was cool...... i was checkin up on jobs, well careers today.. learnin what i gotta do to get there, how much they make.. etc.... i kinda know what i want to do but its still broad..... Health realted- physical therypist, or Computer hardware engineer.... and some other junk.. at least i chose somethings..... oh blah... anyway... i'm just dyin cuz this confrontation junk, its been goin on for like 3 days now and i'm really just not that motivated right now.... things aren't really going all taht great, but i knew what i was getting into... and i knew when i came out here that this would happen...... i just need to talk to someone....... ashley was there for me last night kinda... online talkin, i really wanted phone, but her cell is jacked up (phone bill maybe, karalee's is out too)... thanks ash... uh well i'm gonna go to sleep now, its like 2:39 over here in ohio...... peace..... .: Thought :. I believe in the sun even when it is not shining. I believe in love even when not feeling it. I believe in heavenly father even when he is silent..... I miss my friends..

I need someone to talk to.....

Wednesday, August 06, 2003- Lawrence "you'll never know who trully cares till your whole world goes dark...if you fall into pieces look at your side someone is there reaching out for your hand...just take it...its mine"- on a really good friend's xanga site alright this quote is one of the coolest things i have read in a long time... its true too... its hard to find a good friend out there... there are those friends, acuaintences, and "friends" in everyone's life...those "friends" always will leave you hanging....acuaintences will alwayscome and go ....but friends will stick with you through thin ice... they are the ones you can trust...their hand will always be there for you to hold...have you ever felt like you're always late...i mean like timing wise...i am really bad at that...i'm always late at doing things...i hate finding out that im a second too late... i cant understand women sometimes too... you go and have fun with them but then they seem to like you and then they dont...i really have a hard time asking people out... i can never time it right...i always pass the "oh youre just a friend" phase so when i do tell them i like them they are just a friend...is there a time limit guys?? it seems like there is...and they always give out weird signals like they are tuggin on the reel and you just a fish with a mighty tasty bait in front of ya....does she or doesnt she like you...that is the question... have i missed my opportunity...should i still try... should i even bother... i think there's another guy that also likes her...they are always together...i kinda get butthurt about it... thats why i worry sometimes... should i still tell her how i feel... i think it might make us uncomfortable with each other...or it can make us both comfortable...shall i risk it...i told her before, i dont know if she remembers, that i always miss that window of opportunity to ask someone out before it becomes the "friend" stage...well i'll find out in 2 weeks... i will tell her...i guess ill never know till i try...

---

I can only wonder whats goin on in his head... i can only wonder what he's feeling... actually i can only relate to what he was feeling... is feeling.... its all weird.... i'm not one for timing, especially when it comes to going places in my own car... funny thing is that people don't realize that i'm late, because there is always someone later than me... but my own timing, in the past, seems to always be late... a day late, a month late, late enough for me not to know and do anything about. now, it just seems like my clock hasn't even started.... i never really took the chances and opportunities that i could've... i never bothered, and i never really tried... i kind of regret it.... i kinda reget not knowing other people, not knowing what they are like, what the difference is behind the word girlfriend and boyfriend... i know what what it feels like when you're actually on the hook and swallowed the bait and the fisherman either reels you in or just lets you go saying that you're not what i'm looking for... it happens, i don't know if its better to just look at the bait or take the chance and actually swallow it.... Signals are always misread, i dont care about what other people say about that.. they're always misunderstood... you could just be plain nice and courteous and people would think that they're hitting on them.. who knows... sometimes everything is mixed up, even with the other's feelings... at that moment maybe they actually did like you and want you then like 10 mins later, swing around and be like, you're just a friend... and i know personally that sometimes i feel like a girl liked me, well at least from her signals, but due to cirumstances couldn't do say anything or do anything... i'd find that i liked that girl, then later on, when things changed and got better, or cirumstances change dramatically, i'd find that she doesn't like me anymore, she found someone else, or the relationship between us is just so distant that it doesn't matter anymore.... haha, then theres the "other guy" part... yea, it wouldn't be a classic feeling if the other guy wasn't involved... tell me all about it L.... Butthurt? yea, that comes with the classic-ness of it.... Jealousy could be worked in there.... but jealousy is all the fun that you think they had. Telling her is a chance, to me at least.... how uncomfortable you feel afterwards may be all dependant on how uncomfortable you actually make it... i don't know where i'm going with this anymore, so i'm just gonna say.. The best we can do is size up the chances, calculate the risks involved, estimate our ability to deal with them, and then make our plans with confidence.

"Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending" Who says that you'll like the ending? Just like karalee says... if you started over, who says that you'll do it right? well something like that.... well its a gamble i guess.. no one says that you can't do it right, and no one says that that you actually will do it right.... its really up to us i guess.... Well, what if i started over out here... it wouldn't be too bad... the chances of me screwing up aren't that high i dont think... it'd be a definate adaptation... i don't really have anything back in vegas to come back to, well the squires kinda, hmm my computer, some cool friends, and a troubled karalee...... and i don't really have too many things to even take with me... its an option and its always open... i guess its kinda like a reset button when the game of life crashes.... i get to see todd in 2 days!! so tight, we're gonna kick it and talk about everything (well.. we already talked a bunch so far on the phone since i'm actually in his mission now) so much stuff.. so crazy.. girls, vegas, marrages, church, other people's stupid businesses, things discussed in letters hehe, its all fun and good.... i'm excited, we'll have to work this out the asian way.. its gonna require some excessive planning and a lot of talking... muhahaha, go me, go me.. its gonna be fun... for a day at least, muhaha, woot woot.... sucka what... score score score score score SCORE!! so great so great.... karalee, i hope you're doin well, i miss you, say hi to everyone for me.... i'm ok, hope that ashley's birthday was cool and all... e-mail me sometime with what i missed out on.. i heard that levi and his friend were in town... .: Thought :. People who light up your life usually know where the switch is

.: Thought :. I always thought I would look back on my tears and laugh, but I never thought I would look back on my laughter and cry.

8 hours of standing along with many hours of not sleeping and all sorts of tearing made my day..... i finally arrived in ohio.. safe and sound with some red eyes and a bag full of clothes and such.... well ohio is nice, green is good... humidity is a little high, but bearable... i dont know what else is up... my dogs are freaking awesome, they still remember me, they freaked out like cops after an import car after a midnight race.... my niece is so freakin cute, its not really explainable.. her eyes are so tight.. they're brown for sure, but they have this weird tint of hazel and blue in it... and they have this shine that i've only seen on babies (which she is...)..... but wow, she's soo cute, she stares at me like all the other babies i know of do..... right now i'm using my bro's laptop thats on a wireless network..i couldn't even believe how technologicly advanced he's become... he's got the Lyra MP3 thing (hey thats my cat!!) along with a nice wireless network, a digital camera, some other junk, good tv stuff... music deals and laptops.... and more stuff like junk... good explaination by me eh? their house is very nice, its pretty big and the upstairs has a balcony that looks down on the family room that has a big screen tv and some cribs in.... across the balcony is a pair of comfy chairs... and i dont htink i can draw this out in words, but if you go the otherway from the stairs, you have all the rooms.. kinda in an L shape... i mean, you go straight, then take a right......and theres rooms over there..... my bro also has a pool table, which with no doubt my skills will be demolished by his.... they kitchen is abundent with cooking utencils and tools and what not... along with different types of wine and tupperware.... the couches... which i'm on right now is like one of those that form an L.... they're so comfy and it points right at the tv... its a good thing that i'm not a writer cuz i dont think that i could draw a picture.. well a good picture of anything in ones mind.... ian also has a little playground built in the back along with a pretty good sized backyard with lots of green and a couple trees.... they also have a fence for the dogs so they can't go all insane and whacked out on others places.... My flight was pretty good... and again i was thinkin a tad too much... i was thinkin a little too much about why i'm thinkin too much.... and how much money i have and i've already spent at the airport on miscellaneous items such as the book The summons by john grisham....and mr. pibb xtra and some more mr.pibb.... once at the airport, i checked in and didn't have any problems with what not, although i did forget my wallet at the checkin counter.. the lady was nice enough to chase me down and tackle me and give me my wallet.... well right after that, i had to carry my bag and check it in like 40 feet away.... when i was there i met a nice couple from orlando who had a gate next to mine, and since we had a ways to go, we talked and got to know each other to the extent of strangers... they were nice, they lost a lotta money gamblin and what not, i think that they didn't know that i wasn't over 21 cuz they kept askin me about what i've won and what i play and what are some tips and what shows i've seen.... it was fun tho.. the plane trip itself was alright, i had my pillow and my minidisc player with headphones thanks to brandon... and thats all i really did... i called some people on the phone and messaged others and then i busted out my pillow and crashed my huge noggin on it... then afterwards, awkwardly, i slapped the headphones on and hit play on my player, then all was good I'm pathetic.... well, at least i think so for now... i thought about karalee a couple times and how cool her family is... but only for a while.... then i actually arrived at the house and i saw this little popper thingy from Finding nemo.. the blue funky angel lookin fish popper thing from the cereal box... well i saw taht and i was like, hey they had that at their house.. thats funny.... but that was mostly it.. i miss them already, they're good people, brandon and chelsa as well.... crap, i forgot to call lawrence and shoot today is ashley's birthday... i can't exactly do too much right now and i know that karalee has so much planned for her that i dont know if i can get a hold of her to even say happy birthday, but i'll probably try later... right now its like 9 over there or something.... i think i forgot to call someone, not quite sure... but i'm pretty sure of it... well, i think that i should be good over here, they have the internet and what not, so i'll be entertained for the most part... but for now... signin off Mykii!! .: Thought :. Thank you karalee, for everything, i hope i'll see you when i get back... People are cool, well most people when they're younger and know how to have fun... the old bitter elderly people are ones to stay away from....

Tue Aug 12, 12:57:18 PM Hidey Ho.. Yo Soy a Motivational Speaker..... it'd be nice if you'd SHUT YOUR FREAKIN FLAN HOLE. Once again i find myself wondering if i make a difference or an influence in anyone's lives.. wondering if someone thinks that i'm cool enough to imitate...wondering if someone would miss me when i'm gone... sure i know the world isn't gonna stop for me, but will it think about me? probably to an extent of 2 seconds... This isn't really somethin i'm dwelling on, its more of a thought that just came back to me... Last night i went out bowling with britt, bob, russ and wade... it was fun and i felt like i needed it... it occured to me that brittany was giving massages to bob and i (i wasn't complaining)... and for the first couple bowls, she turned around and didn't watch it, well both of something karalee does... i didn't keep that in my mind for very long... i was more concentrated on havin some fun out there... turns out that i was messin around the first game and won... and bob won the second one, with me coming in 2nd and brittany in 3rd (she doubled russ' score)... it was great..... i came home, recorded some songs on minidisc and then went to sleep.... well actually saw the kittens, then saw karalee's bed and thought it looked good... and there i was... crashed on karalee's bed.... I woke up pretty early this mornin... karalee kinda woke me up... i've been really easy to wake up lately, its been kinda annoyin... but it was like 7 somethin when i noticed that she had just layed down to sleep on the floor... well, i went downstairs and slept some more on the floor and then didn't feel like sleeping anymore. So i went out around 9 somethin to go finish some junk that i need to take care of before i take off... bank slips, stamps and such.... i came home around 9:45 and karalee was gone prolly at work...and then i just sat around watchin half of Tommy Boy, which i'm currently downloading on my computer.. and 2 episodes of Futurama.... that was excellent... I remember earlier that karalee had some minidiscs that she said i could have... i remembered them being on her window ledge.. well i went back up there and they weren't there... she kinda cleaned her room... well that's kinda sayin too much.. she placed certain things in different places and kinda organized her piles.... well i couldn't find the md's anywhere so i decided to check the garbage.. logical idea, she doesn't have a md player and has no use for md's.... well i was lookin for little discs and saw my name on something... turned out to be a card made out to me that wasn't finished... a good card...... I believe I believe in mind over matter I believe in the human spirit to prevail I believe in miracles and blessings, both great and small I believe in possibilities I believe that hurdles in life are ment to be jumped over, not as something to stop us. Inside it read : I believe in you At first i started tearing up... funny, i'm tearing up right now just thinkin about it.... but anyway... it started... Mykii Loo! Hey you.... (- haha she rhymed-) and some other stuff.. but wasn't finished.... the only thing i could think about is why she didn't finish it, why she threw it away, and why she didn't give it to me (-prepending the fact that she threw it away-)... then i knew that i was looking into this way too much... its not like she doesn't believe in me.. or maybe she doesn't... my understanding is that she still does believe in me and even though i found this in the trash i still appreciate the thought of getting it for me in the first place.... although she didn't give it to me.... but its all good... i still love her... she's a good sister (- dispite everything thats going on between the both of us -)... it'd be cool if she finished it. Today is heathers birthday...i totally forgot about it.. i got a phonecall from brittany cuz she was bored and at work and she wanted to do something and she mentioned heathers b-day.. i was like.. i'm sooo crappy, i freakin knew about it and everything! so we're meeting up sometime soon... Soon after brittany's call.. i recieved one from bobbo... he has some nephews or somethin over and they're drivin him nuts and he wanted to get out of the house.. so i invited him over here... good idea since i'm meetin up with brittany to go to hallmark and coincedently... bob forgot it was heathers birthday as well.... well right now... i'm just waitin for bob.. he should be here any second.. and i'm listening to DMB on minidisc for the moment... dave is good.... .: Thought :. Sometimes we're so tied up in our own lives that we don't notice the loose ends with our friends...

Well... xanga is down and i don't care about using it right now... i like how i made it look, but its kinda annoying cuz other junk in it just is... annoying... Currently, i'm installing diablo 2 again on my computer. Earlier, i played with karalee's cd-key.. and now i'm playing with mine, since i stumbled over it in the closet of doom... it was good, because it was in my bag of justice... well anyway, it just finished.... today is sunday... still, at least.. right now its 11:54 and i'm very sleepy... i decided to hop on really quick cuz i don't really have anything to do or anyone to talk to as of the moment (karalee got called into work). i feel kinda refreshed and still sleepy.. i took a nice shower.. it was a cold shower.. freakin felt good like no other.. i think it was something that was screamin out at me like some kind of person saying HEY TAKE A COLD SHOWER or something... not to mention that the person that would say it would have blue hair and have really nice boots that are shiny.. haha... im Nae Kid right now.. actually half naked... i got some pjs on and no shirt... and i smell zestfully clean- but not with zest.. actually with some kind of hand soap thats clear and green at the same time... can i tell you that i'm really kind of scared of leaving las vegas... i can honestly say that i'm feeling jittery and freaked out but also stoked about it... I'll be seeing wendy and ian and megan and andy even.. i know that would be so cool and we'd have so much fun.. but i'll be missing things out here....i'll be happy to an extreme when i get back... i think...... well i'm kinda packing for ohio as we speak.. i'm doing my laundry and packing some clothes that i won't be wearing tomorrow... i never thought so little in my life. when you don't while you're typing, things become a little more clear than when you actually do sit there and think about what you're going to type... i am loved like a brother and a friend. .: Thought :. Being a good friend, being someone to turn to, being trustworthy, being a good listener, telling people how i feel, telling people the truth, helping people out, noticing the good, thinking about how others feel, not being envious, keeping things simple, knowing what i want, working relationships out, being grateful for what i have, following my intuition, remembering things, judging by content and not covers, not being irascible, knowing who i am. I've never been good at it... i never said i was.... but i'll never say i wont be...