Vents

I do not wish to expiate, but to live. My life is not an apology, but a life. It is for itself and not for a spectacle. I much prefer that it should be of a lower strain, so it be genuine and equal, than that it not to need diet and bleeding. My life should be unique; it should be an alms, a battle, a conquest, a medicine. I know that for myself it makes no difference whether i do or forbear those actions which are reckoned excellent. What I must do, is all that concerns me, not what the people think.

Now that I ended this crazy drought of a collection of idiotic sentences with some powerful words taken from Emerson, I feel that I may contently continue spilling out my life in words that I perhaps wouldn't enjoy actually vocalizing. That is, apparently, one of the odd characteristics I have. I can probably say that I'm further coming into my own espeically as I marvel at the various and sometimes contradicting perspectives of those around me, filter through what they say and how they act and apply their sights, and adapt and react in my own interesting ways. In a push to learn and understand myself, which I'm told by one who is bit younger than myself is something that I need to do, I've somewhat adapted a view from my young friend and have mixed feelings because of such. Basically what I was told is that I need to know myself and how I would act in specific situations, and well, with that knowledge, act. Yeah, I know how I get in certain situations and I avoid it at times while sometimes I go headstrong into other situations. I do have the choice to be super lame or not to be super lame while I'm in whatever situation. I also have the choice to avoid it all together, reducing the opportunities to perhaps learn and grow yet dodging potental shots taken at my heart. I guess the "opportunity cost" of each decision is something to weigh out in each situation. Recently, I've balanced out that I'd rather stay at home than hang out with some peeps while they're a bit crazy. Along with this whole learning who I am type deal going on, I've also started to feel out this whole supply and demand of friendships. Yeah, I'm relating everything to economics at the moment... There are times where I feel like the demand that I have for my friends are high, yet the supply of friendship from them are low, of course not reaching any sort of equilibrium. I think that was about last week or so and has been on and off. A few weeks ago, I'm sure that the supply of friendship was up, and I really wasn't wanting any. Anyway, finding this equilibrium has been somewhat painful and stressful, especially as the market is really unstable. Ha. Unstable market. ha. I'm funny. not really. So an interesting experience, with omissions--My driver's side door lock no longer works. That combined with my passenger side lock that opens once every 8 weeks puts me in an a little head scratcher. Basically, I need to keep my doors unlocked in order to get into my car! Well, as I was thinking about how crappy this was, I decided to think about pranks I would pull on myself... I would lock all the doors, grab a coke, and sit back and laugh as I watch myself fiddle around with the lock. I imagine that I'd probably get frustrated enough to HE-MAN the door off and throw it across the parking lot in an amazing display of strength and agility. As for the reason to the failure of my door lock, I submit to you that I had locked my keys in the car yesterday at institute. In a frustrated craze and armed with 4 slimjims and a hanger, I managed to somehow damage the handle while attempting to unlock my door. After a good amount of failure, I was convinced by a friend to just get a ride back to get my spare keys. She was way nice to go pretty dang far out of her way to help me out that night. Anyway, the night before, I ended up getting cited for having my headlight out, get this, within 30 yards of the headlight going out. Well yesterday, I went to replace my headlight and ended up finding out that not only did that go wrong, but also both CV boots and all my shocks are shot. On top of that, I had no oil in the engine. Seriously amazing. Good old Helga is still alive and kicking though. I'm glad to at least have the car for me to get around in, even though it is a piece. I really have so much to be grateful for. I think the biggest one this week is how grateful I am for knowing what it feels like to not be appreciated and treated with ingratitude for being friends. It really is a learning experience I am grateful for. Other things that I'm thankful for include the support of the friends that I have with whom I don't have to worry about my status. I'm grateful for technology, my brother Andy, the support of the Squires family individually, my car, the sunsets, the not so fluffy pillow I have, the white lights on the street, the job I have, the talents I've been blessed with, the amount of time with which I have to make decisions, different groups of friends, the gospel in all of its fullness,