Temple!

Well, today was quite interesting. I've been really depressed. Ha. It's like I'm emo or something. I'm feeling more and more antisocial as time goes on. Too many things going on in my head. A bit of confrontation, awkwardness and a load of other junk. Eliminating it all is a lot harder than I thought. Well, at least I finally can pinpoint love. What a pain.

Was at the temple for a while today. catching up on some scripture reading. Looked up a couple talks and stuff. it was pretty chill, really relaxing. pondered lots on forgiving myself, and reallocating my energy. There were some good things I learned today both at church and at the temple. A story was told of a man and God.

A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Savior appeared. The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might.

This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing it with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore, and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.

Noticing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, the adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man’s weary mind. “You have been pushing against this rock for a long time, and it hasn’t budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it.” Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure. These troubling thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. “Why kill myself over this?” I’ll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort and that will be good enough.

And that is what he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his thoughts to the Lord. “Lord” he said, “I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even been able to budge that rock. What is wrong? Why am I failing?”

The Lord responded compassionately, “My friend, When I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so?”

“Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven’t moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in my wisdom. This you have done. I, my friend, will now move the rock.”

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is simple obedience and Faith in Him…

I was told to love with all my heart. I was never told that she was going to love me back. I know that with all the Lord is able to see my efforts. I know I can't love on my own, and that I really do need His help to master the love that I need and am trying to develop. Perhaps once I get myself to the point where I can love freely again, the Lord will help me find one who does love me back. I know he will if I have that faith and am obedient.

Wooo...

Well, i don't even know what to say.

Meh.

Melinda got in contact with me today... fun text message.

I went to china town and bought a bunch of food... and a few presents and stuff..

Not sure if I'll actually give them away though, it might be weird. They cost a pretty penny..

I've learned that I have a hard time saying no. Really weird talking to the sales ladies... It's funny, I can share my whole story about how I learned Chinese in Chinese, and they're all impressed. It makes me laugh. They're super nice like that, I wonder if it's just a culture thing or if it's just to get me to buy things... Anyway, the last lady was talking about how I seem like such a nice young man and said I should find a chinese girlfriend so I can learn and practice Chinese everyday. I laughed.

Really though, I spent like 200 bucks today. Freakin heck. I cleaned my ears today, holy crap I've never seen so much build up in my life... that was scary.

Going through pictures is kind of funny. I'm missing a buttload of pictures... I wonder what happened to them. I'm sure that Ash went through and took a bunch while she sent me some... oh well...

Work was really insane today, insane as in chaotic. Things weren't working, being short handed sucked.. The drive waited 20 minutes. Crazy lady freaked out and was honking and calling Julianne names and stuff. The lady was rich and drove a white E-class benz... the guy behind her was calling her names because of how she was treating Julianne. It was rather interesting. I was on fries after being on handout for ev er. It was pretty hectic, but I stayed with it. I think I proved that I had earned a fry raise... stupid animal fries. Heck....

Anyway, that's been about it..

Oh, talked to Dawn for like 3 hours today... that was kind of fun.. apparently I know a lot of people that are very similar to me... apparently I've liked a lot of people very similar to me... maybe I just like me... I should marry me... i'm cool enough.

I'm really sucking at life...

I've been trying to be uplifting to Dawn. So many things are happening to her that it's been a pretty rough ride. There is point that she hit where things that it weren't a big deal basically made her snap. I've pretty much hit that this morning. I needed to deposit my money I got for my books last night. I really needed, I wanted to, but for some reason I just didn't. I was lazy and everything. Because of that, my account is -99.80. That's all the cash I was about to put it. I've wasted 70 dollars on stupid fees. I really can't believe how irresponsible I was. I need to get my crap together. Clean my room, organize it, pay my bills early, get moving on things that I need to get done. I've really got to stop sitting around waiting for people to contact me. I can do this. I'll be fine. I'm going to rock it up this next week.

Really...

I often find myself saying, "I don't know," when it comes explaining or trying to explain how I feel about some girls. Although I may actually know myself, in the deep caves of my head, I can't logically explain it in words that actually make sense. I can't explain how or why I feel specific ways around specific ones. I just don't know! It's all so different. Cute girls at FHE vs other girls I know don't seem to bring out the same feelings. Typically now, I end up freezing, saying stupid things, laughing and chuckling at the smallest whim of anything I find attractive, noticing things that I probably shouldn't notice and thinking to myself deeply about how attractive she is. I typically don't have this problem... I swear it... I appreciate everything about her in all its ridiculousness-- and of course, it is all in vain. I'm just another set of XY chromosomes wandering about; but I absorb as much as I can before the bliss fades away. There really are so many others out there, and I can't seem to get my head around her. Some say she's just another girl... I can't say that, there's just something about her. She consumes my mind with only her presence. The intelligence, uniqueness, quirkiness, the perfection in the flaws, beauty without addition, all absolutely stunning. It's no matter. To her, I'm just an awkward associate, a part time friend and just another boy that can stick around for a couple more years.

Rants. They sure help the head. Now that I'm over that, I've got finals. I've studied a bunch, hurt my head, embarrassed myself several times with my incompetence, learned something, remembered more things, and am prepared for more things now.

I'm an analyzer. I'm a quiet thinker. I don't express what's on my mind often. I'm not as confident as I could be. I'm different in expressing true emotion. I'm afraid of being hurt. I have self-defense mechanisms. I have a hard time accepting help. I don't sleep as much as I should. I am not as responsible as I should be. I'm not as intellectual as I could be. I don't let people know me. When I try, I distance myself. I'm not understood. Its hard for me to understand. I'm like many others. I enjoy organized chaos. I'm picky about what I have. I like aesthetics. I like functionality at the price of value and image. I'm passionate about specifics. I don't read novels. I'm not like many other friends I have. I'm one way one day. I can't connect. I want to. I want to be. I want to change and I realize how hard it is at times and find myself shot down. I can only help myself. My environment will change. I will have to adapt, and I know I'm not good at that. I still can't get over many things that have occurred whilst on the mission. The change in relationships that I have had, the regression of so much more than that, and the progression of others. It's hard to gauge, and hard to accept. I want to put people back into their profiles I had before I left, before I screwed things up, but I know that I really can't. It's not fair to do so. I know I'm a result of my own choices. I made some great choices, and some not so great choices. To wish to only have your selection of life's events is to suffocate. I am suffocating. I'm going to live. Prosper, fight and have faith. I'm worth it. I'll just have to find the greatest girl to recognize that, and she'll work with me towards perfection. One day.

Jinny is funny. I'm sure there's something wrong with me.

Back in the day...

Well I seeing that there hasn't been many negative things going on, many positive things must be going on!! I hung out with Dawn for a bit yesterday. It was nice. I liked that, whatever "that" was. It's just nice when people want you around and actually care about being there. I had persuaded her to watch Scott Pilgrim... Ha. hhahaa.. woot. Twas good. Had some food as well of course. Pretty much, it was a good night. Thankfully, I'm in control of myself :) Besides that, I've been workin a bunch of hours. I've got 30 hours this week, which really hasn't let me have much time to study much at all. It really wasn't all that fun... ew.

Blast from the past...

Well I just got home from an interesting little trip. Today has been a little weird, but it's kind of neat. I felt good about it at least. Let see, work was non existent, that was neat. School was a bit different, review for finals was a definite plus. I'm sure that I'm going to have a bit of trouble if I don't get my act in gear here. Study study study. Anyway, the weird part was coming home to a friend request from Dawn!! I got a little too excited and talked to her for a good while on the phone. I also ended up heading down to UNLV to catch up with her and see how she was doing. Well, it kind of sucks that she can't say that she's doing amazing or anything, but she's working through it all. We had a good little time chatting away for a couple hours and such. I've missed her for a while, after all, I don't really forget who I've kissed. She still looks exactly the same despite having a 4 year old and being under loads of stress. She told me of her life and how things were really rocky while I was gone in England, and she told me of her little plan to get through things. Overall, it was just nice to hang out with her for a bit. We both ended up saying that we don't really have that many friends... I guess I have a few, but yeah... things are different. Anyway, I offered to be there to listen to anything that she's got going on in her head, I found out that she's also very much like me... rather interesting really. I really do wish her the best and hope that she chooses to be happy throughout what she goes through. It's always kind of fun talking about the old times and those times of fun to get your mind off of the random crazy crap in the current season. It helped me a lot.

On the way home, I took the opportunity to help a lady on the side of the road right off Auto show and the 95. I've had a couple good experiences come to me by taking these opportunities to serve the other children of our Father in Heaven. I looked at the car, which was clearly over heated, and offered to run and get some oil for it. She, Leslie, agreed and tossed me a fiver and I took off. While I was at the gas station, I just felt like I should buy her two quarts of oil and give her back her money. The look on her face when I showed up to deliver the oil and her money back was priceless. Seeing someone that happy really made me enjoy the blessings of serving another. She exclaimed, "The would would be better with more people like you!" and I assured her that there are many like us. I was even more happy when she noticed the ring on my keychain as I went to shake her hand. She and her friend commented, "Oh, of course, you're Mormon!" That made me laugh and smile a bit more as I gave her a passalong card. I've really been digging on chances that Heavenly Father gives me, and I'm thankful to recognize those opportunities and not let them pass by, for my sake and theirs.

I'm feeling like I've been working really hard to try to keep myself connected with people, mostly friends. As a turn of events, I've been boycotting the outgoing phone calls for the most part, as most of my calls don't yield any results in actual contact or substantial conversation. It's not like I haven't tried either. I do, I call now and again and try to get something going. Well, if there are things thrown out there, nothing really ever comes to fruition. Its like things are said just to please the moment. Yeah, let's do this, let's do that. Yeah, I've yet to see something put into action for 3 weeks now. It makes me sad, but if they don't want to hang out with me, I'm not going to force them. I honestly don't think I need as many minutes as I do on my phone plan.

Typically, I end up feeling like this during Christmas. I'm sure I felt the exact way before. And really, I guess that people are just as busy now as they were then. I can't blame them for having relationships and disappearing I guess. I think I'm just hurt because I don't get as much time to hang out with them. I'm selfish, the realization hits, and hits hard.

Oh and on top of that, Mary decides to contact me more and desires to meet with me for lunch while she's here for Christmas. Why not... I guess.

Wow, avoiding all thoughts of conceitedness, I really look good.

Like I really do look good. I like dressing up for the fun of it. Tie, slacks, shirt. It's really fun normally. Today, I felt like dressing up just for the sheer factor of wow-ing people--I'd have to say that it was successful at FHE. That was fun. I should do that more often... or something. I just don't have an excuse to dress up anymore. Well maybe if I were to actually ask someone on a date, that may change. Anyway, I'm hot, and I'm thankful to those who acknowledged that. Boo yah. Thanks for paying attention, cute girl who clasped my hand named Carly... You also were worth the hand holding. Ha. Maybe there will be more of me seeing you some other time. Woot.

Work was work today, had a bit of energy again. It really think it is sort of related to Britt being there. Stupid me, why do you have to be so attracted to that-- and yes, I would have gestured to all of her. Fun anyway.

I still haven't got crap done for school, I've got to get working on that now... which I will

Day 3

Ah yes, the house is actually warm thanks to one little tiny space heater! My room is a little cleaner in some regards, and more messy in other regards. I'm pretty much being a weird bum and slowly unpacking while working on pictures. The past two days have had me working on two different shoots. They haven't been bad, just little quickies that turned out pretty decently well. Both shoots were pretty dang early in the morning, and of course with my stupid sleep schedule, I don't end up with much sleep at all. Well, I know I'm in charge of that and of course can change that, but most of the time, I just don't have the desire to go to sleep. I get "distracted" and end up spending a bunch of time editing pictures, or reading random blogs about photography or stalking people's lives. Ha, yeah, stalking lives. I wish that'd be true, I'd then have a reason to be somewhat odd and creepy.

I've been wanting to get a telephoto lens and a teleconverter. I've really been thinking that going to public places and sitting around on benches and such, taking pictures of random people candidly, would be quite relaxing. It's like a step up from people watching, and a step closer towards people stalking, but I think as long as I don't take multiple pictures of the person each time she walks by, I'd be fine. I'd think it'd be relaxing and something to do to pass the time, and perhaps could produce some neat looking pictures at least relaxed looking pictures.

I'm learning to let go of jealousy. There are times where I do feel this feeling that makes my heart want to drop that I want to shrug off. It's been getting better as I've been going with the flow. I don't have time to be jealous, nor have the excess energy to deal with it. Heavenly Father knows. It's kind of amazing what kind of miracles occur like this in my life. I guess you can say that I don't care enough to be jealous, although I do care.

I had a good time at church today, although I was tired out of my mind. Priesthood was great, we had the Relief Society president and someone else come in and talk to us about home teaching, from the sister's views. It really just made me really want to be an awesome home teacher and do what I need to do to fulfill that responsibility. I'm glad that I finally got my assignments for home teaching as well. I was thankfully able to go out and visit them earlier last week before the month ended. I've got some pretty cool girls. Kourtney and Lyss. Lyss is a friend of the Squires, which is kind of funny. Kourtney is kind of new to the ward and such and is going to school I think. I think I'm going to get them something small for christmas for the heck of it. Maybe Sean and I will make some food for them or something.

I went and stopped by the Squires' families today. I ended up starting off by heading over to Karalee and Todd's to say hi. Kimball and Jinny were there before me, as Jinny had received a massage I think. They're all sorts of doing this couple date thing... I'm getting used to it, it's still a bit lame. I don't think that that helps with me not distancing myself, I think it's inevitable when things go like that. It's alright though, i got some day next week where I'm hanging out with Karalee to learn how to cook stuff... I'm excited, it's always nice to learn something new to have in your little book of know-hows. I said hi to the Gratteau's and installed a new video card in their computer that I think is going to die sometime. I also picked up my modular stereo system (which is partially messed up now, unfortunate) It still works, but it's not synced together now, one of the cables got ripped. Kind of sad, but whatever, just a little inconvenience that I've got to deal with. It's not something I need to stress about. I guess while still on the negative side, I'd like to make a note that I also have 0 of 2 remotes for the system. Amazing. Really.

This weekend I've been spending quite a bit of time getting ready for the apartment. I've been spending a lot of money on random goodies, I got myself a little end stand table thingy that proves to be quite handy while I'm in my bed. I've also got myself a floor lamp that does its job of illuminating my room. It kind of makes it have a different feel than what i'm used to. for some reason I've got this same weird feeling that I had when I lived in Britt's room before the mission and after the mission. I'm sure it'll pass in a month or so once I get settled. I still need to buy a desk, and basically I'm skint now. I've spent a butt load on crap that I probably didn't really need. I bought a Sonic toothbrush for 40 bucks. It's nice, but sure wasn't needed. The opportunity for getting new clothes from Express with a discount came across and I sure had to hit that up. Basically, I've got retrain myself and budget crap again. I'm ridiculous.

I've got to get the Lindquist's pictures done. They're practically done and such, but I just need to fix a few things in Photoshop, which I don't have. Kind of lame. After that, I'll probably work on pictures I want to print out and frame for my room. I still got to work on a few random presents for Christmas as well. That'll be pretty interesting to do. Elyssa made a little request. We'll see what I can scrounge up.

What am i going to do for Christmas?? Yeesh, there's so much to get, and I've only got like 2 people things so far... and I'm skint.. I'm just a moron, I know I've spent too much on one person already, it's kind of stupid. I'm not smart at this at all.

I need to sell Kimball's wedding ring. Gah, so much to do.

Its kind of weird when things you'd normally do or say to people have to change. It's just as weird when they don't respond as they usually would. I guess it's all part of the progression. I guess you can't say "I love you" to everyone.

Well, I'm done. Super tired now, and I'm sure that I'll have enough sleep for work tomorrow. Bright and early. 10:00am. Brilliant.

Love,

Me. Woot.

Moving in!!

Well well well. I'm in my apartment now. Packing up my life and relocating wasn't as hard as I had thought. I think the problem that I face now is organizing everything I packed into random boxes and bins.

My place is pretty neat. The carpet is a little damp due to the cleaning guys, it's kind of fresh, I think I can say that. I'm going to like it here. I can feel it. Kimball helped me move stuff here Scott Ivie came and they both hung out for a bit. We went shopping over at Kohl's for a sale of sorts. Britt met up with us and helped me move the rest of my junk over to the pad. We hung out and talked about the random crap that I need to get. Seriously, she's funny... I really do love that girl...

So living in a cold dark and kind of wet place isn't really that bad. Most of the random crappy conditions I find myself working or living in would normally seem pretty negative. I guess normally because I'm not always so excited or just... happy--even giddy-- during those times I guess. I'm starting to really figure out how I work... and well, I think I've pinned this one down too. Really, I don't think I've ever really been so excited to hear from a person. Brizzie texts me randomly about the sunset and the rest of my day is like -bling- bright and bubbly!! She's at work and I have this random energy. She hangs out and I just can't act normal... I'm not going to enter the danger zone with this again... it's already enough for me to think about right now. I've figured out why it sucks so much sometimes. I totally get sucked into the hope of something actually occurring. It's like why I guess I like some of those chick flick movies. They're first fine and have some sort of weird history, they enter up in some sort of crazy mess where perhaps things look dismal and depressing, and you just end up hoping that they get back together because of the random things that they both go through. Meh, I just want the guy to get the girl haha... Maybe it's predictable, but I get caught up in those movies. I always end up hoping that they'd get together in the end... of course with good reason. Even when it doesn't look possible, I still end up hoping that it is possible one way or another. When it doesn't turn out to be that whole happy ever after, I still wonder how things would've been had it worked out. I guess for me, i just hope that there's going to be that one chance where things will change and work out. I dunno, I watch some movie with Kristen Bell with Todd and Karalee and totally was like OH GOSH, just snap out of it and you'll love it. There's so many things that fuel the hope that things will work out, but of course, things don't work out till the end of the movie, at which you're like GOSH that would've been so saaad... Actually I have no idea what the heck I'm ranting about anymore, I think I just like chick flicks, and perhaps am just hoping for that one moment where things could change and work out. And well, even though I know that it's unlikely, and pretty much pointless to even try, there's this undying hope that you know, maybe it could work out. Sometimes I feel that it really could. Stupid hope. She's just too good of a friend. Weird really. I don't think she's doing anything different than she'd normally do when it comes to me, but I sure look into it all through some sort of glass and end up noticing it all sorts of different. Ha. I'm not special. I know that. My situation is special, that's for sure. She shared some random stuff today from work. I thought it was funny really... The best part is that I caught myself thinking it about it in two different ways, once that was depressing and one that was like totally ok. At first I guessed that it solidified the inability to ever progress. Then I thought well, I guess it's alright. I got over it and really just wanted to enjoy the time anyway. I guess in deeper analyzation, I'd probably say recount something like that to a person for perhaps one of a few reasons. 1. To ensure that the person gets the right idea, or 2. to perhaps use it as an opportunity to bring something up and make the person think about it, 3. to make things awkward. Reasonings behind such? 1. Because I think you're annoying. 2. Because I'm too much of a panzy to actually go out and say how I really feel. 3. Because I enjoy being awkward. I think personally, I usually go with number 2, just because I really am a panzy and go through things in a complete round about way at times. I guess because I think like that, it makes me hope that there's more. But there isn't. right? ha. shut up hope. I think in random weird ways... i wonder how many people think like I do.. I'd sure like to meet them. maybe hug them. for sure a high five.

That was a stupid long rant that really wasn't that important. I'm glad that i can just flow with my thoughts at the moment. it really feels kind of fun to just see words fly across the screen right after I think it. My feet are kind of cold, I need to get my bed put together, the door still doesn't shut well enough. The heater next to me is baking half of my body while the other side is freezing. I should probably rotate or find some sort of way to create a human sized rotisserie and get myself on that ride.

I really need to finish unpacking. My pillows look dang good. Work today wasn't too bad, I was on pay window... I'm starting to actually enjoy it for some reason, I think it's the way that I've learned to interact with the peeps in the drive. I'm quite social at times, but I found that when I try too hard, I can't think of anything to say and end up being retarded. When I'm conscious of my retarded words, I end up not talking, which also isn't any good. Apparently the key is to go with the flow and continue to be stupid weird and spontaneous. I found that Britt does that a bit... stupid crazy sessions.... so funny. I totally do it, not even intentionally at times. The whole tethering on my phone is super convenient. I'm so not internet-less!! LOVE IT.

There's been a lot of drama flowing around. I've been an escape for a couple people. There are things told to me that I'm not quite comfortable with and sort of have changed my perspective on a few things. I end up being judgmental and I'm instantly reminded of how I shouldn't. I feel that Heavenly Father really has been helping me lately. I've really been able to feel so much better about life and getting a move on things. Thankfully I don't understand or see the whole picture like He does, and I'm starting to appreciate that. Sometimes though, I end up being quick to judge and feel super bad about it. Repentance is great. I'm hopefully am going to be able to have more of a scripture study. i looked at all the gospel books I had on the shelf and am really motivated to sit down and study a bit. I'm so thankful for the understanding of the Atonement that I have. I don't think I've really appreciated it as much as I have this past couple weeks. It makes a whole difference in life and has changed my attitude of things. I'll strive to find someone who loves Heavenly Father more than I do. I'm sure things will work out well after that. I'm sure if I put Him first, I'm sure that he'll provide me with someone funny and cute and uplifting. Ha. Sometime I guess. Marriage. It sounds like a story that I'm in. Crazy interesting.

I just realized that my doors really really really don't lock and that I'm living in an apartment complex. Should i have more faith in those around me that they'll do the right thing? i'm sure they'll be fine, but perhaps my situation is providing someone with the opportunity to exercise some righteous actions.

My place smells of paint and coconut. I don't mind the coconut, although I think it's starting to smell funny, probably because my head is starting to hurt because of the fumes...

I'm getting really tired. I've got to wake up early to take pictures for Brandon and Chelsa. Later next week I've got more people to shoot, Perhaps even on Sunday.That'll be an interesting Sunday.

Gosh, alright, i've got to get up. I'm getting up,

Well once again, I'm here

I have new pillows... I have new pillow cases... They're even colored...

It's been a pretty crazy couple of days. I ended up crying at institute. Really, I've been a complete mess. I guess it'd help to have someone to talk to about a lot of this random stuff, but I've found it kind of hard... Gosh. Really, it's been an interesting run for my money. Basically I realized that I need to forgive my mother. I felt quite a bit better after breathing a bit and praying in the bathroom. I was a bit more calm thankfully.

With a whirlwind of random emotions running through my own little head, I haven't been able to think straight about anything. I think that my mind just isn't as stable as I'd like. I'd decide one thing, think about another thing, decide to do that instead and basically have no actual logical reasoning. I guess what I deal with isn't logical. Heck, I've never been logical, technically. It's rather funny to try to understand others. I'm sure people don't understand how I think either, perhaps because I think too much. Looking back, I've found that my thought process typically is the same, just more complex. The more I care about something or someone, the more that subject occupies my mind. then everything I do revolves around that. Well maybe not everything, but things do remind me of whatever it is even more... then I start to miss it... it brings me to a state of nostalgia at times.

I've been trying to backup my blogs... unsuccessfully, although process is being made... by copy and pasting... super slowly...

I was super excited at work today, a little hyper... I think I had good reason to though. I just feel good on some shifts, depending on the schedule. Being in the drive corner reminded me of the old days at work, where it was super fun and light rather than this heavy weird pressurized feeling.

I bought some stuff for the apartment today. That was kind of fun, I realized that the next couple months are going to be super rough. Like really. I've got to really watch myself and make sure old habits don't come back.

Institute ended tonight. Sad really... now I've got to wait for the next semester to start. Brizzie won't be there. It was good to have a wholesome activity to attend with her at least. I sure don't know much about the D&C, sure know a bit more now though. I'm thankful for the knowledge gained.

I'm going to build myself a routine, which I mentioned before... Blogging, tweeting, facebooking will all have their time in the day... random watching of movies, also probably will have its own time. Studying will definitely be needed.

I think I'm going to be retaking a few classes. I'm pretty annoyed with myself, but also am rationalizing so much about it. "It's my first semester" ha. I suck at tricking myself. I really do want to succeed at school. I just wanted to do other things more... or at least try to do some other things more. Brittany did help quite a bit when she sat me down and made me study... then I think I caused stupid stuff with that whole over thinking that affects my actions crap... then I just didn't care about school... man I'm pretty weak sauce... I've got to do better in math though. Seriously. Next semester will be lockdown time. Brizzie will be at uni, so I guess that eliminates a focus of my time. I'll be living in the apartment that I'm moving into Friday, which I think will help me isolate myself and put myself into an environment more conducive to studying... working on my bed doesn't really help, and I guess I could've fixed that, but I didn't want to bother Brandon and Chelsa. I'm still worried about the math, maybe Britt really will try helping me with screen sharing. That'd be pretty neat.. and techie...

I want to buy candy... for people... again... it's been a while... I really can't remember everyone's favorites.

I've talked to a load of people that I don't normally talk to because of not hanging out at the squires. It's really weird... Its like I'm in a different world. Talking to new people is really challenging again. There isn't the excuse of being a missionary. I tend to over think what I want to talk about, and things just get super lame... either that or I end up getting too "old" for people and not as crazy and I'm sure others would enjoy... dang young'uns. I guess Lilia was right about having to go out and impress people... sucks about dating I guess... I'd rather just be me and do my me things, which personally, seems like a failing plan. I'm just not that interesting, my life isn't that interesting I guess. Heh, maybe I do need to change that... really, there is good reason for dating me. hehe. But yeah, being with squires is awesome. They're great people. They're super talented and gifted, caring, loving, fun, funny, pretty, crazy, spontaneous yet predictable, chaotically organized, and just different. Yeah... they've been my life for a while, and that's been changing little by little as life moves on.

Andy seems to be moving on. I'm seriously so blessed to have him as a brother. When I was freaking out on Thanksgiving, I tried talking to Britt, but got frustrated and shut myself off. Typical I guess. Then Andy called me back. I loved it. He was there to listen and validate how I felt. I just loved how I was all crying and ticked and such and how he pulled my mind off of that and into something that was happy. Yeah, the holiday season wasn't ever really the best in the family. Andy and I did have some fun though. Reminiscing about the crazy childhood memories I had with him really made me start laughing so hard. He told me of the story when he and I drove down Cromwell dr. in the winter and while he was showing off a little, lost control of the car and slid into the snow bank and hit a mailbox. I had thought the whole time that he did that on purpose, and I also thought that we almost hit a mailbox... Nope, sure enough, we hit the box and he sure didn't do it on purpose, and that was just spectacular to find out. I then told him of when I almost hit a tree while driving Brizzie and Lyss home. Ha, somethings run in the family. He's the only one that I really keep in contact with. My relations with the rest of the family are all really just... crappy, and perhaps it's supposed to be this way for now. Andy knows how hard it is to try to communicate that all out. It's not typical, so well, I've found that people just don't understand... Heh, how could they... but I let them try anyway, I let myself try to open up a little more.... and it still is hard.

Well, Andy appreciates my craziness. I think it's easy for him to though. He doesn't see me everyday. I've been paying attention to that a whole lot in the past month. It wasn't a conscious thing, but I pinned it down that I was focused on that and it was getting me down. I just didn't really feel appreciated by those around me. The things I do out of an effort to still show that I care get brushed off frequently. I don't think it's intentional, as I can see how they could just expect me to do things like that. And perhaps they appreciate me because of that, but sometimes I feel like its taken for granted. I look back and I've tried really hard to be with those I like, and to do so much for those people... and I guess thats how I show I care... and well, when I care too much, perhaps things get crazy. Heh, I spend so much time trying to do things and be with them that I don't have time or even a desire to do things with anyone else. Thats the Squires effect on me. I like them all too much that I end up just not having the desire to do anything else but to hang out with them and spend as much time as I can with them. Wow, what a rant. That came out pretty digestible. Its fun not thinking about what to write when writing. Kind of fun. I guess that's why Ash can sort of notice how I disconnect. This Thanksgiving has been a little special with the family crap and all, but overall, I can see it. I know its because I have this whole thought process in my head, and have had it since I've been home. It's hard to balance it all, plus all the added drama that I add, and have added doesn't ever help. I'm always worried that the history will bite me in the butt... and of course it has, and probably will continue to. I'd like to imagine what it'd be like to have somethings reset and start over. Like a video game or something. What would it be like if lets say yesterday was the first time I met Ashley. Would I really be someone she'd hang out with? Same with Brittany. Do I desire my relationship to be different than it is now? I'm sure I do at times, especially when there's that excitement that they have when they meet new friends. I kind of miss having that boost of HEY, you're cool, lets hang out. Although I think about all that. I think of how special it is to have such a unique relationship with them. My whole friend circle is part of this family in one way or another and that is super unique. Parts don't get along with others, but it's still related. Yeah. yeah. This was pretty deep... deeper than what i normally think. I guess this is me unplugged. Somethings aren't going to matter anymore, so I might as well throw it all out on paper. I'm sure that to look back on this will be an amazing experience. I feel better at least.

Those pillows are totally calling my name. Now I have 3. 1 for sentimental value.. joke... but seriously... i stole it, kept it for 2 years in various cities in england and still have it... that's pretty amazing for a history of a pillow. I'm sure if it were to write a novel, it'd be a best seller. definitely a best seller... it'd have a lot to write about.