I have new pillows... I have new pillow cases... They're even colored...
It's been a pretty crazy couple of days. I ended up crying at institute. Really, I've been a complete mess. I guess it'd help to have someone to talk to about a lot of this random stuff, but I've found it kind of hard... Gosh. Really, it's been an interesting run for my money. Basically I realized that I need to forgive my mother. I felt quite a bit better after breathing a bit and praying in the bathroom. I was a bit more calm thankfully.
With a whirlwind of random emotions running through my own little head, I haven't been able to think straight about anything. I think that my mind just isn't as stable as I'd like. I'd decide one thing, think about another thing, decide to do that instead and basically have no actual logical reasoning. I guess what I deal with isn't logical. Heck, I've never been logical, technically. It's rather funny to try to understand others. I'm sure people don't understand how I think either, perhaps because I think too much. Looking back, I've found that my thought process typically is the same, just more complex. The more I care about something or someone, the more that subject occupies my mind. then everything I do revolves around that. Well maybe not everything, but things do remind me of whatever it is even more... then I start to miss it... it brings me to a state of nostalgia at times.
I've been trying to backup my blogs... unsuccessfully, although process is being made... by copy and pasting... super slowly...
I was super excited at work today, a little hyper... I think I had good reason to though. I just feel good on some shifts, depending on the schedule. Being in the drive corner reminded me of the old days at work, where it was super fun and light rather than this heavy weird pressurized feeling.
I bought some stuff for the apartment today. That was kind of fun, I realized that the next couple months are going to be super rough. Like really. I've got to really watch myself and make sure old habits don't come back.
Institute ended tonight. Sad really... now I've got to wait for the next semester to start. Brizzie won't be there. It was good to have a wholesome activity to attend with her at least. I sure don't know much about the D&C, sure know a bit more now though. I'm thankful for the knowledge gained.
I'm going to build myself a routine, which I mentioned before... Blogging, tweeting, facebooking will all have their time in the day... random watching of movies, also probably will have its own time. Studying will definitely be needed.
I think I'm going to be retaking a few classes. I'm pretty annoyed with myself, but also am rationalizing so much about it. "It's my first semester" ha. I suck at tricking myself. I really do want to succeed at school. I just wanted to do other things more... or at least try to do some other things more. Brittany did help quite a bit when she sat me down and made me study... then I think I caused stupid stuff with that whole over thinking that affects my actions crap... then I just didn't care about school... man I'm pretty weak sauce... I've got to do better in math though. Seriously. Next semester will be lockdown time. Brizzie will be at uni, so I guess that eliminates a focus of my time. I'll be living in the apartment that I'm moving into Friday, which I think will help me isolate myself and put myself into an environment more conducive to studying... working on my bed doesn't really help, and I guess I could've fixed that, but I didn't want to bother Brandon and Chelsa. I'm still worried about the math, maybe Britt really will try helping me with screen sharing. That'd be pretty neat.. and techie...
I want to buy candy... for people... again... it's been a while... I really can't remember everyone's favorites.
I've talked to a load of people that I don't normally talk to because of not hanging out at the squires. It's really weird... Its like I'm in a different world. Talking to new people is really challenging again. There isn't the excuse of being a missionary. I tend to over think what I want to talk about, and things just get super lame... either that or I end up getting too "old" for people and not as crazy and I'm sure others would enjoy... dang young'uns. I guess Lilia was right about having to go out and impress people... sucks about dating I guess... I'd rather just be me and do my me things, which personally, seems like a failing plan. I'm just not that interesting, my life isn't that interesting I guess. Heh, maybe I do need to change that... really, there is good reason for dating me. hehe. But yeah, being with squires is awesome. They're great people. They're super talented and gifted, caring, loving, fun, funny, pretty, crazy, spontaneous yet predictable, chaotically organized, and just different. Yeah... they've been my life for a while, and that's been changing little by little as life moves on.
Andy seems to be moving on. I'm seriously so blessed to have him as a brother. When I was freaking out on Thanksgiving, I tried talking to Britt, but got frustrated and shut myself off. Typical I guess. Then Andy called me back. I loved it. He was there to listen and validate how I felt. I just loved how I was all crying and ticked and such and how he pulled my mind off of that and into something that was happy. Yeah, the holiday season wasn't ever really the best in the family. Andy and I did have some fun though. Reminiscing about the crazy childhood memories I had with him really made me start laughing so hard. He told me of the story when he and I drove down Cromwell dr. in the winter and while he was showing off a little, lost control of the car and slid into the snow bank and hit a mailbox. I had thought the whole time that he did that on purpose, and I also thought that we almost hit a mailbox... Nope, sure enough, we hit the box and he sure didn't do it on purpose, and that was just spectacular to find out. I then told him of when I almost hit a tree while driving Brizzie and Lyss home. Ha, somethings run in the family. He's the only one that I really keep in contact with. My relations with the rest of the family are all really just... crappy, and perhaps it's supposed to be this way for now. Andy knows how hard it is to try to communicate that all out. It's not typical, so well, I've found that people just don't understand... Heh, how could they... but I let them try anyway, I let myself try to open up a little more.... and it still is hard.
Well, Andy appreciates my craziness. I think it's easy for him to though. He doesn't see me everyday. I've been paying attention to that a whole lot in the past month. It wasn't a conscious thing, but I pinned it down that I was focused on that and it was getting me down. I just didn't really feel appreciated by those around me. The things I do out of an effort to still show that I care get brushed off frequently. I don't think it's intentional, as I can see how they could just expect me to do things like that. And perhaps they appreciate me because of that, but sometimes I feel like its taken for granted. I look back and I've tried really hard to be with those I like, and to do so much for those people... and I guess thats how I show I care... and well, when I care too much, perhaps things get crazy. Heh, I spend so much time trying to do things and be with them that I don't have time or even a desire to do things with anyone else. Thats the Squires effect on me. I like them all too much that I end up just not having the desire to do anything else but to hang out with them and spend as much time as I can with them. Wow, what a rant. That came out pretty digestible. Its fun not thinking about what to write when writing. Kind of fun. I guess that's why Ash can sort of notice how I disconnect. This Thanksgiving has been a little special with the family crap and all, but overall, I can see it. I know its because I have this whole thought process in my head, and have had it since I've been home. It's hard to balance it all, plus all the added drama that I add, and have added doesn't ever help. I'm always worried that the history will bite me in the butt... and of course it has, and probably will continue to. I'd like to imagine what it'd be like to have somethings reset and start over. Like a video game or something. What would it be like if lets say yesterday was the first time I met Ashley. Would I really be someone she'd hang out with? Same with Brittany. Do I desire my relationship to be different than it is now? I'm sure I do at times, especially when there's that excitement that they have when they meet new friends. I kind of miss having that boost of HEY, you're cool, lets hang out. Although I think about all that. I think of how special it is to have such a unique relationship with them. My whole friend circle is part of this family in one way or another and that is super unique. Parts don't get along with others, but it's still related. Yeah. yeah. This was pretty deep... deeper than what i normally think. I guess this is me unplugged. Somethings aren't going to matter anymore, so I might as well throw it all out on paper. I'm sure that to look back on this will be an amazing experience. I feel better at least.
Those pillows are totally calling my name. Now I have 3. 1 for sentimental value.. joke... but seriously... i stole it, kept it for 2 years in various cities in england and still have it... that's pretty amazing for a history of a pillow. I'm sure if it were to write a novel, it'd be a best seller. definitely a best seller... it'd have a lot to write about.
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