Really...

I often find myself saying, "I don't know," when it comes explaining or trying to explain how I feel about some girls. Although I may actually know myself, in the deep caves of my head, I can't logically explain it in words that actually make sense. I can't explain how or why I feel specific ways around specific ones. I just don't know! It's all so different. Cute girls at FHE vs other girls I know don't seem to bring out the same feelings. Typically now, I end up freezing, saying stupid things, laughing and chuckling at the smallest whim of anything I find attractive, noticing things that I probably shouldn't notice and thinking to myself deeply about how attractive she is. I typically don't have this problem... I swear it... I appreciate everything about her in all its ridiculousness-- and of course, it is all in vain. I'm just another set of XY chromosomes wandering about; but I absorb as much as I can before the bliss fades away. There really are so many others out there, and I can't seem to get my head around her. Some say she's just another girl... I can't say that, there's just something about her. She consumes my mind with only her presence. The intelligence, uniqueness, quirkiness, the perfection in the flaws, beauty without addition, all absolutely stunning. It's no matter. To her, I'm just an awkward associate, a part time friend and just another boy that can stick around for a couple more years.

Rants. They sure help the head. Now that I'm over that, I've got finals. I've studied a bunch, hurt my head, embarrassed myself several times with my incompetence, learned something, remembered more things, and am prepared for more things now.

I'm an analyzer. I'm a quiet thinker. I don't express what's on my mind often. I'm not as confident as I could be. I'm different in expressing true emotion. I'm afraid of being hurt. I have self-defense mechanisms. I have a hard time accepting help. I don't sleep as much as I should. I am not as responsible as I should be. I'm not as intellectual as I could be. I don't let people know me. When I try, I distance myself. I'm not understood. Its hard for me to understand. I'm like many others. I enjoy organized chaos. I'm picky about what I have. I like aesthetics. I like functionality at the price of value and image. I'm passionate about specifics. I don't read novels. I'm not like many other friends I have. I'm one way one day. I can't connect. I want to. I want to be. I want to change and I realize how hard it is at times and find myself shot down. I can only help myself. My environment will change. I will have to adapt, and I know I'm not good at that. I still can't get over many things that have occurred whilst on the mission. The change in relationships that I have had, the regression of so much more than that, and the progression of others. It's hard to gauge, and hard to accept. I want to put people back into their profiles I had before I left, before I screwed things up, but I know that I really can't. It's not fair to do so. I know I'm a result of my own choices. I made some great choices, and some not so great choices. To wish to only have your selection of life's events is to suffocate. I am suffocating. I'm going to live. Prosper, fight and have faith. I'm worth it. I'll just have to find the greatest girl to recognize that, and she'll work with me towards perfection. One day.

Jinny is funny. I'm sure there's something wrong with me.